In the kitchen with Dan Zettwoch and Uncle Birdseye

You may recall last month Dan Zettwoch's Birdseye Bristoe won the prestigious and totally-a-real-thing Charles Xavier Memorial Award for Best Beverage Recipe.

At the time, you may have thought to yourself, "How does Caleb know that was Uncle Birdseye's World Famous Red Cow recipe was the best beverage recipe from a comic last year, huh? What, did he make and try all of the beverage recipes he found in comics last year?"

Well, as a matter of fact...

I did have a little bit of trouble securing the precise ingredients, as described in the illustrated seven-step recipe above.

I don't actually have any large plastic cup, with or without pro-wrestlers on them, so I used a large glass cup. Or a glass, as I believe glass cups are usually referred to. (For the Columbus residents in the reading audience: I imagine ComFest plastic beer mugs would be fairly ideal for Red Cow making).

For the ingredients, I used Giant Eagle-brand generic vanilla ice cream, which is hopefully generic enough, and did indeed use strawberry for the second scoop of ice cream.

I opted not to use a pinch of ground cayenne pepper, just like Clint J. Murgatroyd (above) takes his. (The recipe says the pinch of pepper is "to put hairs on your chest," but I have more than enough hairs on my chest; in fact, if there were a spice that removed hairs from your chest by ingesting it, I would probably have thrown that in here. And/or on everything I eat and drink.)

Unable to find Lucky's Red Thunder Red Creme Soda, I had to go with Big Red, the only red pop at my local grocery store.

Here's what the result looked like:

Not much like Zettwoch's drawing, I'm afraid, but that may be down to my using the wrong sort of cup and brand of red pop.

Step #7 was a bit difficult. Not the simple "Enjoy!" part, but the asterisks:

*No spoons or straws allowed

**You know you've done it right when you have a foamy pink mustache

I tried drinking it one long draught, in order to generate a foamy pink mustache.

But I'm afraid the mustache wasn't as big and foamy as I expected from Zettwoch's drawings. Perhaps my own mustache repelled the Red Cow's foam mustache...?

And perhaps it was a result of the narrower shape of my glass than the recommended large plastic cup, but I ended up with more foam on my nose than my upper-lip.

As for the Red Cow itself, it was a pretty-looking beverage, much prettier and pinker than your average root beer float, which it tasted an awful lot like, only more fruity than root-y.

And that was my experiment with Zettwoch's recipe.

I would recommend his Birdesye Bristoe without hesitation, but as for Uncle Birdseye's World Famous Red Cow AKA Hot Blood Shake? I suppose it depends on how much you like ice cream and red pop. Me, I prefer comics to both.

Not comics: Some rambling thoughts on The Narnia Cookbook: Foods from C.S. Lewis' The Chronicles of Narnia

The other day I took my niece to one of my local libraries, a very nice little library which is—surprisingly enough—completely devoid of a graphic novel section (The graphic novels they do have—Watchmen, some Gaiman stuff, Fruits Basket and Full Metal Alchemist—are intershelved with the juvenile fiction prose, organized by author).

While we were in the juvenile non-fiction, looking for books about the breed of puppy her family has, this book grabbed my eye:

I doubt I’ve ever mentioned it on this site, on account of it not being a comic or anything, but I was really into The Chronicles of Narnia as a kid.

I was first introduced to them in fourth grade, when the “advanced” kids in my class, and elite half dozen or so, were given The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe to read. I wasn’t one of those half dozen, and actually having it demonstrated to me that I was, in fact, not all that smart, was probably one of the most important formative moments in my life—that day at school I sort of vowed to become smart, reading the damn thing in my free time in the library, and applying myself in school in general from that point on (Well, in most areas—I continued to never be very good at math, and never made it to the advanced math classes in high school).

I went to a Catholic grade school, so I suppose introducing Lewis’ mildly allegorical fantasy series to us probably made some teacher or administrator think they were awfully smart, giving us our medicine with a spoonful of sugar, but I honestly didn’t notice how Christian it actually was until much later.

Well, I realized that the Aslan and Emperor Beyond the Sea relationship was analogous to the father/son relationship between Jesus and God, and that “He’s not a tame lion” perfectly echoed the saying “God moves in mysterious ways,” but the whole Aslan-sacrificing-himself-on-the-Stone Table-to-save-others-and-then-rising-from-the-dead thing? I was probably rereading it for the third or fourth time in high school when that light bulb went off. So perhaps it’s no wonder I wasn’t considered among the advanced readers.

This book bore a “World of Narnia TM” seal above the title, with an irritated-looking lion radiating golden rays set on a gold oval hovering over the title, so I rightly assumed it was a product of a much more recent era than the seven Narnia books I read over and over (The boxed set I eventually bought was from Collier’s, who first published their version in 1970…The Narnia Cookbook is from 1998, and acquired by this library in 2000).

Obviously, I had to bring this home (I found a lot of other fun children’s books there, but I’m going to hold off writing about any art-centric books until I get my scanner situation straightened out).

C.S. Lewis’ stepson, Douglas Gresham, writes and introduction to the book, as well as introductions to each broad section (Breakfast, Lunch, Tea, Dinner, etc.), although he’s only given a “commentary by” credit. A Mary Kate Morgan has a bio on the back flap, but no credit elsewhere, so I’m not sure who wrote what exactly. (While Morgan has no byline, she is given a thank you on the title page for “her research and culinary expertise in the preparation of these recipes).

Each page or so opens with a paragraph or so about the food in question, which matter-of-factly discusses the countries of Narnia alongside those of our world when talking about imports and exports, likes and dislikes.

That’s followed by a quote from one of the books that mentions food in some way, followed by standard cook book formatted lists of ingredients and instructions, and Pauline Baynes’ delicate illustrations from the books, generally blown up to larger size than they’re usually seen in and colored.

It occurred to me while reading that it might have been fun if it were written from the viewpoint of one Narnian to another; for example if the work was premised as being an actual cookbook from Narnia that found its way into our world.

No such luck though. Gresham writes as himself addressing young readers who have experienced Narnaia in the books already, the most affectation that goes into it being that he takes it for granted that Narnia is real, saying things like “If you’ve ever been to Narnia, then you know,” or noting that the recipes are focused on those fit for Sons of Adam and Daughters of Eve, as the citizens of Narnia have such widely divergent diets, or that it’s considered in bad taste to serve eggs when there are Talking Birds of any kind around.

It’s not a bad idea for a book, as I remember food playing a big role in the books, each meal being recounted in great detail, and often intriguing me, since as an American kid in the 1980s I had never heard of a lot of the foods talked about in these books written by a guy in the UK in the 1950s.

I probably would have loved this when I was a kid, and even as a teenager or college student I would have been delighted to try making many of these recipes.

I became vegan near the end of college though, and am still vegetarian-bordering-on-vegan, and there’s not a damn thing I could make in here, really, beyond the entries on, like, a plate of figs or an assortment of fruit. I could probably do some of the baked goods with some substitutions, but it’s actually kind of remarkable to think how much meat and other animal products are consumed in Narnia, given that it’s a country in which talking animals make up a significant part of the citizenry.

Surely it would be, at the very least, gauche to eat animal flesh in Narnia, and, at the worst, something akin to cannibalism. I know there are divisions between normal animals and Talking Animals, and that The Sons of Adam wouldn’t eat venison from a talking Narnian Deer, but wouldn’t eating even the flesh of a non-talking deer that happens to leave in Narnia be pretty weird? What would your friends who are deer think?

None of these questions occurred to me while reading as a child of course, but approaching a cook book as an adult vegetarian with a mind to try out some of the recipes sure focused the issue for me: Narnia is a weird place.

One recipe that is quite noticeably absent is that of apples wrapped in bear meat, as eaten by Peter, Susan, Edmund, Lucy and their pissy dwarf friend in Prince Caspian.

That was such a particular meal, and the chapters during which is was arrived at written in such a way, that I’ve always remembered that detail and, in fact, that particular meal was probably the most memorable aspect of Prince Caspian for me. (That’s probably my least favorite book, and not a whole lot goes on in it, really).

Our heroes are lost in the forests of Narnia, and have been living off apples for a while, when they are attacked by a bear. The dwarf takes it down with an arrow, and then they butcher it and take some of the meat with them.

Here’s the dinner scene that so stuck with me:

The Dwarf had splendid ideas about cookery. Each apple (they still had a few of these) was wrapped up in bear’s meat—as if it was to be apple dumpling with meat instead of pastry, only much thicker—and spiked on a sharp stick and then roasted. And the juice of the apple worked all through the meat, like apple sauce with roast pork. Bear that has lived too much on other animals is not very nice, but bear that has had plenty of honey and fruit is excellent, and this turned out to be that sort of bear. It was a truly glorious meal.

That’s not in the book, not even with some sort of more reasonable meat substitution, like beef or pork or venison instead of bear. (Can people even eat bear? When I was kid it was one of the many animals I wanted to taste, because of this scene, but now the thought of bear meat seems particularly abhorrent.)

I think this meal finds its way into the cook book as “Lucy’s Roast Apples” in the desserts section, but instead of bear meat, the apples are complemented by brown sugar, raisins, cinnamon, whipped cream or ice cream and, “if you want to be really posh,” a little applejack or brandy.

If you’ve no aversions to dairy products though, I suppose this book would be pretty valuable. I know a younger version of Caleb would have liked to spend a night cooking up some of the suggested saddlebag, traveling foods like meat pastys, scotch eggs, apples, cheese and oatcakes and taken them for a long hike in the woods.

As is, I may just try making Mr. Tumnus’ cake with some substitutions, in part because Gehane writes “One of the leser known uses for a piece of nice cake like this is to fry a slice (about a half inch thick) in a little butter and have it for breakfast on a cold winter’s morning. It is a Dwarf’s delight.”

I don’t know about delighting dwarves, but fried cake sounds pretty good to me.

You can only lift Mjolnir to your lips if Odin deems you worthy; otherwise, you'll have to leave it on the bar and drink it through a straw

You may recall last month I posted a flier for a local event, the Bourbon Street Comic Swap. The other day one of the organizers, who recalled a post I had done a while back about drinks that share their names with superheroes, sent me the drink menu that was used at the event, and I thought I'd share it with you guys here.

What sounds good to you?


Shots

Green Lantern...creme de menthe, Irish cream

Kryptonite...Apple Pucker, vodka, triple sec

The Flash...Red Fuel, vodka, grenadine

Alpha Flight...Canadian Club whiskey

Mjolnir...Absolut, grenadine


Cocktails

Dark Knight...Black Russian

Cloak & Dagger...White Russian

Tony Stark...Single Barrel Jack Daniels, rocks or straight

Red Skull...vodka, cranberry

Fantastic Four...Long Island Iced Tea

League of Extraordinary Gentleman...gin martini

The Shadow...rum and coke

Flaming Carrot...spicy Bloody Mary


Virgin Drinks

Archie Andrews...cherry Coke

Veronica Lodge...Shirley Temple

Comics have been known to drive people to drink...

Tom Spurgeon’s last Five For Friday feature put out the call for “Five Characters From Comics That Should Have a Mixed Drink Named After Them,” stipulating that contributors must also come up with a recipe for one of them.

Check out the inspired, hilarious and occasionally tasty sounding results here.

I’m giving this particular link its own post just because it’s a topic of some interest to me—I tried to round-up all the pre-existing mixed drinks named for superheroes before—and this will make Spurgeon’s FFF results easier to find.

You might want to grab a cocktail napkin and scribble out the recipes for a Night Thrasher, Fool Killer, Crimson Dynamo and Mindless One for your next minor Marvel character-themed party.

Drinking with the superheroes

This may come as a shock to those of you who have previously sifted through my incoherent ramblings about Wonder Woman or tried to make heads or tails of my crudely drawn Superbad parody featuring Captain Marvel, but I've never posted, or written or drawn anything for posting, while drunk before. In fact, I've never been drunk before. Because I don't drink at all. And never have.

Why do I mention this, and what does it have to do with superheroes and/or comics? Well, a few weeks ago, I found myself co-planning a going away party for one of my friends, and my co-planner and I decided that we'd serve our friend's favorite drink at the party. That would be a key lime martini, which I , of course, had no idea how to make. So I spent a few hours at a local library researching drink recipes—and man, there are a lot of different ways to make that one particular drink—when I ran across something called a Black Green Lantern.

Being easily distracted, I soon found myself searching the Internet for drinks named after superheroes, and found quite a few, most of them named for DC heroes, which I found a little odd, considering that historically DC's superheroes have all been moralizing sticks-in-the-mud (Punch and soda were the two drinks served at most JLoA/JSA get-togethers in the old multiverse days), while Marvel's heroes have been more likely to light up a stogie and crack open a beer. One of their biggest heroes was an alocholic, after all, and cans of beer seems to affect Wolverine in a manner similar to the way cans of spinach affects Popeye.

Now, I don't know how widespread any of these drinks are—I'm not sure you could go down the corner bar and order a Batman or an Iron Man, for example—since I guess anyone could put any combination of anything in a glass, call it whatever they want, and post it on the Internet. In fact, I thought about doing just that, making up drinks reflective of my favorite superheroes (Like, a shot of vodka in a pitcher of room temperature water with a rim salted margarita-style would be an Aquaman, for example), until I realized my lack of knowledge of alcohol would make that a very short, very uninteresting post.

So instead of inventing new drinks based on superheroes, I figured I could do a post of pure reportage. Here then, are all of the drinks named after superheroes I ran across. Feel free to share any others you know of in the comments section.





Okay, in the panel at the top of the post, Clark Kent may have been sipping on a frou-frou girly drink in front of Hal and Ollie (Hey, when you’re as strong as Superman, you give a damn what a couple of puny humans with a magic ring and a bow and boxing glove arrow have to say about your masculinity), but Superman actually has his own signature drink.

Not that I could actually ever imagine him drinking it.


Superman

1 oz gin
3/4 oz dry vermouth
1/2 oz apricot brandy
1 oz mandarin juice
1 tsp grenadine syrup

Shake with a glassful of broken ice and pour unstrained into an old-fashioned glass. Add a speared cherry, and serve in an old-fashioned or rocks glass.


For some reason, the words “Superman” and “gin” just really don’t go seem to go to together all that well to me, you know?





Batman is a total teetotaler, only sipping soda water, which probably doesn’t help maintain a reckless playboy image, but does keep his mind sharp and his body fit should he need to lunge into action as the Dark Knight. But he too has his own drink (That's not really Bruce Wayne in the panel above, but a white Martian impersonating him).


Batman

33 cl Battery energy drink
4 cl Gordon's gin
10 ice cubes

Mix all. Serve cold. Serve in a highball glass.


Oh, I get it Battery energy drink. Gordon's gin.





Neither of the two recipes below are actually named after the superhero Robin, but they have the word “Robin” right there in the name, so they seem like they’d be decent sidekick drinks to the Batman drink above.

Of course, Robin is too young to legally drink, and he seems like a good, upstanding kid who would never break the law, even if he was at a party and Gar Logan had legally purchased the alcohol and nobody was planning on driving, flying or teleporting home that night.

But perhaps Roy or Garth laughingly stir one of these up for Nightwing at Titans reunions.


Round Robin

1 egg white
1 tsp sugar
1 oz absinthe herbal liqueur
1 oz brandy

Shake with ice and strain into a wine glass.


This one sounds super-repulsive, but at least it’s got some protein in it. Raw eggs are good for people who are in intense physical training in the art of combat, right? I think I saw that in a movie once.


Robin's Nest

1 oz vodka
1/2 oz white creme de cacao
1 oz cranberry juice

Shake all ingredients with ice, strain into a cocktail glass, and serve.





Now Wonder Woman, Wonder Woman I could see getting her drink on. She believes in and probably still worships Dionysus, after all. I imagine her drinking dark wines out of flagons, but I see she has a drink named after her.


Wonder Woman


2 oz Midori melon liqueur
2 oz peach schnapps
3 oz orange juice
1 oz pineapple juice
2 oz cranberry juice

Carefully layer ingredients, in order, into an ice-filled hurricane glass. Serve unstirred, garnished with a cherry. Serve in a hurricane glass.


That sounds pretty delicious, actually. I can totally see Steve Trevor getting shitfaced on those when on leave, then dialing Diana Prince up in the middle of the night and sobbing to her over the phone, asking her why it is that Wonder Woman doesn’t love him like she does.






There were a surprisingly high number of drinks called the Green Lantern, which is kind of odd, because, first of all, I always assumed GL was one of the least known superheroes among the civilian populace, and also because, to a man, I picture all of the Earth-born Lanterns as beer drinkers. (Well, actually, I guess I could see Kyle dowing some kind of coffee and liqueur concoctions, and/or maybe Red Bulls and vodkas, depending on where he was doing his drinking).

Of the variations, this seemed to be the most basic...


Green Lantern

1/3 part Midori melon liqueur
1/3 part fresh orange juice
1/3 part 7-Up soda

Mix all ingredients together in order, shake once and pour into a hurricane glass.


To Guy Gardnerize it, substitute PBR or Schlitz for the Midori. And the orange juice. And the 7-Up.


Black Green Lantern

1 oz Courvoisier cognac
2 oz Hpnotiq liqueur
2 oz Midori melon liqueur

Place five ice cubes in a coupe glass first. Pour Courvoisier, then Hypnotiq, then Midor. Stir (do not shake) and serve.


Hey, don’t glower at me, John Stewart! I didn’t name it; I’m just posting what I found.





I’m not sure if J’onn J’onnz, Manhunter from Mars, imbibes or not (cow milk goes better with Earth cookies, anyway), or if there’s even any point to drinking alcohol when you can control your body on a molecular level, but I could see him in his human alter ego John Jones guise ordering one of these, and laughing to himself. It sounds like it might be a little on the sweet side, and J’onn’s certainly got a bit of a sweet tooth.


Mighty Martian

1/2 oz Absolut vodka
1/4 oz Midori melon liqueur
1/4 oz DeKuyper Sour Apple Pucker schnapps

Pour all contents into a cocktail shaker with ice and shake well. Strain into a shot glass and serve.




This seems close enough to be Red Tornado’s signature drink.

Red Hurricane

1 oz Bacardi Limon rum
1 oz tequila
3 oz cranberry juice

Pour over ice in a hurricane glass. Stir, and serve.


Oh, wait a minute, you can’t drink, can you Red Tornado? Because you're just a lifeless, unfeeling android. You can’t enjoy the sensation of liquid splashing down your throat, the bittersweet taste of cranberry juice, or the slightly elated feeling known among humans as “a buzz,” just as you’ll never again taste the sweet green apples in your wife's kiss, nor smell the lavender in your daughter's fine, black hair.

You’re not going to cry, are you Red Tornado?


Oh, you are going to cry.

Man up, Tornado!




Black Orchid

1 oz Blue Curacao liqueur
1 oz black rum
1 splash 7-Up soda
1/2 oz cranberry juice
1/2 oz grenadine syrup

Shake all ingredients except 7-up in a cocktail shaker. Strain into a sour glass and top with 7-up. Serve in a sour glass.

Okay, this one’s gotta be a coincidence. I can’t imagine Black Orchid the superheroine has a drink named after her, Neil Gaiman miniseries or no Neil Gaiman miniseries.





Tony Stark, being an alcoholc, doesn’t drink anymore. But he sure did back in the day, so much so that he had a drink named after his heroic alter ego.

Iron Man

3 oz Seagram's® 7 whisky
3 oz vodka
fill with soda water
ice cubes

Mix seagram 7 and vodka in an old-fashioned glass. Stir. Add a few ice cubes, fill with soda and stir gently.


Maybe even more than one...


Tabletop Iron Man

1 oz Jose Cuervo Especial gold tequila
1 slice lime
1 pinch salt

Pour Cuervo Gold into shot glass and serve with lime and salt. Take salt and snort it up your nose, take shot, squirt lime in your eye. Use a napkin to clean up.


I would guess this is probably named after the other meaning of “iron man,” as in a man who’s so tough it is as if he were made out of iron.

And I also guess this is a drink one “enjoys” after already having had enough other drinks to makesnorting salt and squirting lime in your eye sound like a good idea.






The Odinson is, of course, more of a mead man, but the mighty Mjolnir did inspire a drink with the potency to slay fire trolls and ice giants alike.


Hammer of Thor

4 oz Aristocrat vodka
5 oz cranberry juice
3 oz Milwaukee's Best Ice lager

Stir ingredients together in a highball glass, and serve.


And if thou aren’t slain after drinking a few of these, then clearly thou aren’t drinking enough of them.




This one is actually called the Invisbile Man, and he’s only a (sorta) superhero in League of Extraordinary Gentleman. But given how few drinks named for Marvel heroes I could find, I think this would be a good one to alter into a drink named after Sue Richards. Not sure how one goes about feminizing a drink, or changing the gender of a drink, though.

Can we just collectively decide to add a “wo-“ in front of the “-man?”

Or serve this in a shapely wine glass? Or add an umbrella?


Invisible (wo)Man

2 oz gin
1/2 oz brandy
1/2 oz triple sec
3 oz ginger ale
2 dashes orange juice

Add triple sec, brandy, gin, and orange juice to a highball glass filled with ice. Fill with ginger ale and serve in a highball glass.




Yellowjacket

2 oz pineapple juice
2 oz orange juice
1 1/2 oz lemon juice

Pour the ingredients into a cocktail shaker half-filled with ice cubes, and shake well. Strain into an old-fashioned glass almost filled with ice cubes, and serve in an old-fashioned or rocks glass.

Hey waitaminute, this is a virgin drink. Oh Hank Pym, you colossal pussy you. I imagine Tony sure made fun of you about this when the Avengers would go barhopping back in the day. At least until he realized he might have a problem.





Beast Juice

Scale ingredients to servings
2 oz white rum
4 oz chilled Mountain Dew Code Red soda
4 oz chilled Red Bull energy drink

Stir together in a highball glass, and serve.

I could actually see Henry McCoy two-fisting and/or two-footing these before a night on the town with Wonder Man…or an all-nighter in his lab trying to find a cure for a mutant genetic disease of some kind.





Jubilee

1 oz tequila
1/2 oz gin
1/2 oz vodka
1/2 oz Blue Curacao liqueur
1/2 oz lemon juice
1/2 tsp superfine sugar
4 oz club soda

Pour tequila, gin, vodka, curacao, lemon juice and sugar into a cocktail shaker half-filled with ice cubes. Shake and strain into a highball glass almost filled with ice cubes. Top with club soda, garnish with a cherry, and serve.

Hey, what’s with the teen heores having all the drinks named after them? There’s no Colossus, Wolverine, Cyclops or Phoenix, but I found three different drinks called a Jubilee something or other. This is the straight Jubilee…there’s also a Silver Jubilee and a Jubilee On The Block. I haven't read very many comics featuring Jubilee over the years, and the few I have, I kinda wish I could un-read, so I don't know if she even drinks. But she does seem to enjoy Royal Crown cola (You can get that in New York state?). So if I had to guess, I'd imagine she drinks rum and RCs. Or maybe just straight Canadian beers, to imitate her idol/crush Wolvie.