On 1989's Secret Origins #44

As you're probably already well aware, one of the next movies based on a DC Comics character is going to be Clayface, currently scheduled for an October release. It doesn't strike me as a very good idea, as a solo film starring a C-list villain of an A-list superhero suggests 2022's Morbius to me. But then, no one asked me...and I think it's safe to assume that James Gunn knows more about making movies than I do. 

Now, movies based on Big Two comics characters tend to influence the publishers in two ways. First, it generally gooses them to collect comics starring that character to release in trade to potential new readers inspired to seek out said characters' comics origins. Second, it can lead to the publisher commissioning new comics starring that character. 

I was thinking the other day about the former in regards to Clayface, a character—well, a whole group of characters who share the same name—who doesn't really have all that many classic storylines for DC mine for trade paperback fodder. 

In fact, they've already published two comics for the mainstream, beyond-the-comics-shop market, 2017's Batman Arkham: Clayface, a collection of 14 stories published between 1940 and 2013 starring at least a half-dozen different Clayfaces, and 2023's Batman—One Bad Day: Clayface, a Killing Joke-inspired original graphic novel starring what has become the most popular and default version of the character, actor Basil Karlo-with-Matt Hagen's-powers. (In what I think is probably telling regarding the Clayface character/s status in Batman's rogues galleries, these books aren't unique to him; a whole bunch of Batman villains have their own Batman Arkham anthology collections and Batman—One Bad Day OGNs.)

When thinking of Clayface comics DC could collect in the hopes of the existence of Clayface-curious demand this fall, the one story arc that came to mind was 1989's "The Mud Pack", a four-part Detective Comics epic by the creative team of Alan Grant, Norm Breyfogle and Steve Mitchell (One of the best creative teams to ever tackle the Dark Knight).

Here, let's look at the covers:

This is basically the ultimate Clayface story, starring all four of the Batman villains to bear that name up until that point kinda sorta teaming up: Clayface Basil Karlo, a horror actor turned murderer who wore a clay mask; Clayface II Matt Hagen, a thief who discovered a radioactive pool in a pool that gave him the ability to change shape; Clayface III Preston Payne, a madman whose body would melt away like candle wax if not encased in a special suit and whose deadly, burning touch can reduce his victims to formless protoplasm; and Lady Clayface Sondra Fuller, who was given shape-changing powers similar to Hagen by Kobra in an issue of The Outsiders. (I say "kinda sorta" only because Hagen is, at that point, dead, and didn't have much choice over whether Karlo propped his remains up at the meeting table or not). 

In the end, Karlo manages to turn himself into the ultimate Clayface, assuming the powers of all of the other Clayfaces for his own, while the other living Clayfaces are kinda sorta written off.

I don't recall seeing a whole lot of any of the Clayfaces between this story's publication and the 2011 New 52 relaunch, an issue or two appearance aside. In the new New 52 continuity, thatwhole history and legacy of the Clayfaces was done away with, and DC basically just smooshed Karlo and Hagen into a single character, following the lead of Batman: The Animated Series, in which the sole Clayface had Hagen's comic book powers, but was, like Karlo, an actor. (That episode, by the way, aired in 1992, and I suppose therefore owes something to Grant's "Mud Pack", which first blended the actor Clayface with the shape-shifting Clayface). 

Batman: The Animated Series is probably the most influential Clayface story; for most comic book appearances of a Clayface to follow, he resembled the design seen in the cartoon. 

Anyway, if DC Comics wanted to publish a trade featuring a big Clayface story, "The Mud Pack" is pretty much all they've got, if you ask me (Do correct me if you have other suggestions, though!). Of course, they have published "The Mud Pack" in collected form before, in 2015's Legends of The Dark Knight: Norm Breyfogle Vol. 1 and 2021's Batman: The Dark Knight Detective Vol. 4, but not as a standalone story, one that would be visibly a Clayface story rather than a Batman one, you know?

Of course, "The Mud Pack" is only 88-pages along...is that maybe not enough for a trade? Well, luckily, there is a tie-in that could help fill out some trade paperback pages, 1989's Secret Origins #44, a special, all-Clayface issue published in conjunction with Detective's "Mud Pack" storyline. (Other candidates? In 1994, Grant checked back in with Clayface III and Lady Clayface in a Bret Blevins-drawn two-parter in Shadow of the Bat #26 and #27, and then in 1998 Grant and pencil artist Mark Buckingham had "Ultimate" Clayface Basil Karlo return for the first time since "The Mud Pack" in Shadow of The Bat #75).

I didn't expect to be able to find Secret Origins #44. I've been fairly fascinated with that series lately (as you may have noticed from my posts on stories from it featuring Detective Chimp and company, Rex the Wonder Dog and the Justice League of America), and have found myself increasingly wishing DC would collect (I think a couple of DC Finest collections would be perfect, DC). 

But to my surprise, DC did actually already collect issue #44 though, in the pages of the aforementioned Batman Arkham: Clayface. "Mud Pack" proper isn't in there—I assumed due to its length, as the Arkham collections obviously favor shorter stories, although they do include the four-part "The Shape of Things to Come" from Batman: Gotham Knights circa 2005, starring Clayface V—but the Secret Origins issue is.

I was particularly surprised to see this was the case, as it retold the origins of Clayfaces I-III...and the original origins are also collected in the Arkham trade. Still, I'm not complaining! Not only did it finally allow me to read a tie-in to "The Mud Pack" (although it's tangential at best, and totally unnecessary to understanding and enjoying the arc), but it features some extremely interesting artwork, from Keith Giffen and Bernie Mireault (!!!), plus Tom Grummet, who's not exactly a slouch.

So, after like 14 paragraphs of preface, let's take a look at the actual issue, shall we...?

The first fourteen pages are devoted to the origin of Basil Karlo, as retold by writer Mike Barr, pencil artist Giffen and inker Al Gordon.

The shape-changing Lady Clayface uses her powers to infiltrate Arkham Asylum, where the now elderly Karlo is in a hospital style bed with IVs and other medical apparatus all around him. 

"You're the one they call 'Clayface'--the first one, aren't you!"  she demands. "Why do you care?" he replies, and she responds, "I'll tell you--if you first tell me why they call you 'Clayface.'"

He then launches into his story, a 12-page retelling of 1940's "The Murders of Clayface" by Bill Finger, Bob Kane and Jerry Robinson, which, as I said, is also included in this Arkham collection (At least, that's what the credits in the table of contents say! I can't personally vouch for how much Kane actually drew of it!).

Barr and Giffen stick fairly close to the original, although it's quite a bit of fun to flip back and forth, and to compare and contrast various aspects of a Batman story in 1940 vs. 1989, where the plot is so similar, and you can see things like, say, how Kane/Robinson might have drawn Robin leaping feet-first at the murderer, or how Golden Age Batman varies from late-eighties Batman or just how different Julie Madison looks between the two eras:

Aside from the one-page prologue and epilogue set in the present and the opening splash, the entire story is broken into strict, six-panel grids, and it's quite fun to see Giffen's post-Dark Knight Returns take on Batman here. He's a big, boxy, perpetually shadowed shape of a man, the only details emerging from the blackness that seems to always fall across him are his furrowed brows, narrow white eyes and a bright yellow bat-symbol (Even when he's out of costume and presenting as Bruce Wayne, he's huge and boxy, sort of like a Dick Sprang Batman/Bruce Wayne as filtered through Frank Miller's style). 

(Among my favorite images are a long-shot of the Dynamic Duo swinging on their bat-ropes in front of a big, full moon, where they look more like talking capes than human beings.)

On the final page, Karlo raves a bit about his intention to avenge himself against Batman, and his visitor reveals herself: "My real name doesn't matter! You can call me the new Clayface!" She spends two panels relaying her origins, an asterisk telling us she is referring to Outsiders #22. Karlo asks her to free him, she refuses and departs, and, left alone in the dark again, Karlo tells himself, "The Batman has not seen the last of me...nor have you."

I guess it's the exchange here that most directly ties into "The Mud Pack"...although I guess knowing the origins of all the players would have been helpful going into Grant's story arc.

A turn of the page takes us to "The Tragic Though Amusing History of Clayface II", written by Dan Raspler, penciled by "BEM 89" and inked by Dennis Roider. 

It was this story that most interested me in checking this issue of Secret Origins out, as I was eager to see Mireault playing in the DC Universe again (Mireault is the creator of The Jam, collaborated with Mike Allred on Madman comics and Matt Wagner on Grendel comics, and also illustrated the "When Is a Door?' story in Secret Origins Special #1; written by Neil Gaiman*, it was a great last, ultimate Riddler story, and though obviously the character has been in fairly constant circulation since, I think it would have been a fine story to retire him after). 

Raspler and Mireault's story is played as a comedy, something helped tremendously by Mirelaut's cartooning, which gives this technically-still-a-superhero story the look and feel of an underground comic.

"Lucky" Matt Hagen seeks out sunken treasure, and finds a chest full of little pots of "oily, mucus-like stuff". When he departs for the surface, he accidentally swims into a rocky out-cropping, only to discover, with a "SPURB!!" sound effect, that he has been irrevocably changed!

It takes him about three pages and a failed suicide attempt, but he soon realizes he can regenerate his own head, he is now bullet-proof, and he can change shape. 

Naturally, he turns to a life crime in Gotham City and thus begins his career as a Batman villain. The World's Greatest Detective often catches him, but Hagen's powers and ability to survive pretty much anything keeps him coming back again and again.

Then comes Crisis on Infinite Earths, which Mireault draws like this—

—where Hagen finally meets his end, when a Shadow Demon flies through him, killing him with a "BLOOOSH!". (This story has some pretty great sound effects). 

And that's pretty much the end of Hagen...although, in the final panels, we see Karlo collecting Hagen's remains, which will be integral to the plot of "The Mud Pack".

Finally, we get to "His Name is Clayface III", by writer Len Wein (who had created this Clayface in a 1978 issue of Detective Comics) and artists Tom Grummett and Gary Martin.  While I never read Wein's original story starring Preston Payne (although it is collected in this Arkham book), I was fairly familiar with this particular Clayface's powers, look and particular brand of madness (talking to a mannequin, with which he seems to have a romantic relationship), as he was a fairly frequent cameo in Batman comics that featured scenes in Arkham Asylum in the 1980s.

Here, he sits in an Arkham cell in an easy chair with his mannequin, holding a copy of TV Guide and watching the television in front of him. They watch an episode of the show The Notorious, hosted by Jack Ryder, which is apparently a documentary series featuring criminals. 

This episode features him, but, unimpressed with the five-panels detailing his criminal career, he then tells his mannequin mate his origin in his own words. A genius scientist who suffers from acromegaly, he seeks a cure via Matt Hagen's blood. It works, allowing him to reform his deformed face into that of a very handsome man...but its efficacy is short-lived.

Soon his face starts to melt, and when he grabs his screaming date, she too melts away. Going forward, a burning pain will build up in his body, and the only way to temporarily relieve it is by touching and thus melting a victim. While Batman doesn't appear beyond a single-panel cameo, the serial-killing obviously made him an enemy of Batman's, and the whole experience seemed to drive him mad.

Aside from constantly ranting to a mannequin, the last panel reveals that there's not actually anything playing on his TV set, just static, and everything else seems to be in his head.

I really like Grummett's art, and his is like a Platonic ideal of superhero comic art, although in the context of this particular issue, it seems a little plain and even bland, given how distinct Giffen and Mireault's contributions are.

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Ironically, the Clayfaces relatively minor position in the hierarchy of Batman villains make them well-suited to a collection like Batman Arkham: Clayface, which featured a cover by artist Guillem March (Which originally appeared on 2013's Batman: The Dark Knight #23.3; though it features The New 52 Basil Karlo Clayface, note that the design is clearly inspired by that of Batman: The Animated Series' Matt Hagen). 

I didn't read the whole collection, just the new stories that interested me (a few of the stories within are ones that I had read elsewhere before). As I said before, it features the first appearances of most of the Clayfaces, and there's a handful of really great artists whose work appears here. 

What then will you find, beyond Secret Origins #40...? 

•The first Clayface story from 1940, which I mentioned above.

•1961's "The Challenge of Clay-Face" by Bill Finger, Sheldon Moldoff and Charles Paris, introducing Matt Hagen (and, through him, the concept of the shape-changing Clayfaces).

•1978's Detective Comics #478 and #479 by Len Wein, Marshall Rogers and Dick Giordano, introducing Clayface III.

•1987's Outsiders #21 by Mike Barr and Jim Aparo, introducing Lady Clayface and some even goofier villains, sicced on Batman, Metamorpho, Black Lightning and the goofballs that filled out the ranks of the Outsiders by the supervillain Kobra.

•1998's Batman #550 by writer Doug Moench, with pencil art divided between then regular Batman artist Kelley Jones and J.H. Williams III. This issue's Clayface was Clayface IV, Cassisus, the son of Clayface III and Lady Clayface. Jones was obviously well-suited to the body horror aspects of a Clayface (in the scene above, this Clayface uses the people-melting power inherited from his father to melt a policeman) and as for Williams' presence, well, he was drawing the upcoming Chase ongoing series, which this issue was a lead-in for. In fact, this issue is the first appearance of Cameron Chase and the Department of Extranormal Operations.

•2002's Catwoman #4 by Ed Brubaker, Darwyn Cooke and Mike Allred, pitting the Feline Fatale against an all-new Clayface, this one created in a military experiment. I think this would be Clayface V...unless you count Lady Clayface as Clayface IV, in which case he's Clayface VI...? At this point, I think it's safe to say there are officially too many Clayfaces.

•"If a Man be Clay!", a story by Steve Purcell, Mike Mignola and Kevin Nowlan, that was originally published in 2005's Batman Villains Secret Files and Origins #1 and featured Batman and the original Robin taking on Matt Hagen for the first time. From what I understand, this one was sitting in a drawer for a while, but was rescued to be published here...and why wouldn't DC rescue it...? It was Mignola drawing the shape-changing Hagen! Though it follows the plot of "The Challenge of Clay-Face" closely, and contains much of the same imagery, it's great fun to see those scenes drawn in Mignola's moody style, particularly with Nowlan's evocative inking.

•The aforementioned "The Shape of Things to Come" from Gotham Knights, by A.J. Lieberman, Al Barrionuevo and Bit. I didn't read this one, either when it was originally published (I had dropped Gotham Knights by that point) nor in this collection, but it apparently features the Johnny Williams Clayface, the one previously seen in Catwoman.  Also, Hush is in this one. 

•2013's "Not Just Another Pretty Face" by John Layman and Cliff Richards, from Batman: The Dark Knight #23.3, the previously mentioned comic from which the collection's cover is taken. It seems to star the New 52 Basil Karlo.

So, to review, this collection features art by Bernie Mireault, Kelly Jones, Darwyn Cooke and Mike Mignola, plus Sheldon Moldoff, Marshall Rogers, Jim Aparo, Keith Giffen and Tom Grummett. That's not bad company to spend time in...!

*Yeah, him again. This then is another comic now more or less ruined by the presence of Gaiman's credit, his recently revealed actions tainting all of the quality work he helped produce over the decades of his comics career. 

The suspiciously familiar secret origin of Rex the Wonder Dog (From 1990's Secret Origins #48)

Rex the Wonder Dog first appeared in 1952's The Adventures of Rex The Wonder Dog #1. The cover featured the title character dragging an unconscious woman by the collar of her shirt, while an injured man grips a tree, urging him to get her to safety. Flames and smoke fill the background. In the lower right corner, there's a yellow box full of the following words: "Introducing a new hero--Rex the Wonder Dog in exciting stories of danger and courage!"

Was one of those exciting stories of danger and courage an origin for the wondrous dog? I don't know, as I have never read that comic. Nor have I read any of the Rex stories from the 45 issues of the title that followed before it was finally cancelled in 1959. That's not because I'm not interested in them, of course. I mean, look at those covers! Who wouldn't be interested? Rather, it's because DC has yet to see fit to collect and republish them, although I continue to hold out hope that they will do so before I die. 

If Rex never received an origin story in his own book—and he might not have, given that he seems to be a relatively normal dog, rather than masked and costumed person with superpowers—he did get one in 1990's Secret Origins #48, which the publisher might have greenlit because Rex was making a rather unexpected guest appearance in the pages of The Flash around then. 

The eight-page story was the work of writer Gerard Jones*, pencil artist Paris Cullins and inker Gary Martin, and it is entitled "The Birth of Rex the Wonder Dog." When it was originally published, it would have sounded awfully familiar to any comics readers familiar with Captain America. Read today, some 15 years after the release of Captain America: The First Avenger, it will likely sound awfully familiar with far more people (Although, having been written by Jones, chances are it won't be read today or at any point in the future, not unless you can find a copy of this comic in a back issue bin).

Jones isn't a bit shy about writing a Captain America parody for Rex's origin story, referring to the fact fairly directly at a few points, as in the panel above. (And, notably, Jones uses the word "wonder-soldier" repeatedly and interchangeably with what likely would have sounded more natural in either the 1940s of the setting or today—"Super-soldier".)

The mode is thus quite comedic, Jones and, one imagines, many of his readers finding the idea of a heroic dog with as many amazing feats to his name as Rex inherently funny...even if amazing dogs like Rin Tin Tin, Lassie or Green Lantern's pal Streak (who eventually earned top-billing over Alan Scott off the cover of All-American Comics# 99 in 1948) were a relatively prevalent in pop culture in the early- to mid-20th century. 

Cullins follows suit with highly cartoony art. As you can see in the first page of the story, at the top of the post, Cullins seems to both homage and lightly parody Golden Age comics, and his human characters after that first page are cartoonier still. 

Rex, for example, often thinks in terms of pictograms here (not unlike Mark Waid would have his Impulse regularly do later that decade), and when the scientist who developed the super-soldier serum, er, wonder-soldier serum is murdered, Cullins lets us know he's definitely dead by drawing crosses for his eyes (this, despite all the blood from his chest wound pretty clearly communicating that he wouldn't live to see the end of the strip).

Cullins' Rex also appears with a degree of heroic exaggeration in one panel, with his expressive black eyebrows and a toothy smile of white, human-looking cartoon teeth.

Lieutenant Dennis of Libertyville leaves his son Danny playing with his little white puppy Rex to attend a meeting at what he announces is "the secret lab" about "some new super-soldier project." 

There, a Dr. Anabolus explains with drawings how he has developed a wonder-serum that can turn 97-pound weaklings into Charles Atlas-like wonder-soldiers, which, once they made enough of them, would allow the Allies to wrap up the war quickly. The only catch is that the serum is untested, and he can't find an animal subject to test it on, as the U.S.O. is drafting and training "all the animals it can find" to entertain soldiers overseas. 

And obviously they can't go straight to human testing, as "Only a lunatic would test this on a human being fist."

Dennis volunteers his son's puppy, and soon he returns to the lab with Danny and Rex, passing an obvious Nazi spy posing as a guard on the way in ("Oh...oh, Ja ja! I am der new guard.") 

The puppy gets the shot, and he suddenly becomes a full-grown dog, one who Cullins gives bulging dog muscles. 

Also, Rex's thought balloons have now progressed from containing just pictures and symbols to sentences of dialogue. 

(While the story is obviously a comedy, I wonder if it's telling of where superhero comics were at that point that Jones seems to feel the need to explain Rex's wondrousness at all, here with a Captain America-like super-serum giving him enhanced physical and mental abilities, rather than just allowing for the fact that maybe Rex is just a particularly great dog capable of doing things like swinging on vines, riding horses, operating parachutes, fighting dinosaurs and the other feats seen on the covers of his book from the 1950s).

The Nazi who was posing as a guard then appears, replacing his American-style helmet with a German-style one, and he then shoots the doctor dead, next aiming his Luger at Danny. Rex leaps to the boy's defense, savagely but bloodlessly taking down the enemy agent. As with Timely/Marvel's Captain America then, here the special serum results in only one unique hero, rather than an entire army of them.

As Dennis, Dany and Rex walk off, the lieutenant makes an oddly specific prediction for what the future will hold for them:

Danny says that's a bunch of "hooey", but Rex, like the readers, knows better, and the last panel shows him winking at the reader like Clark Kent, the words "The Beginning" beneath it. 

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As long as I've got my hands on a copy of Secret Origins #48, I might as well discuss the rest of the comic, too. 

As you can see from the cover, Rex's secret origin was just one of four that were included in this issue, the others being those of Ambush Bug, Stanley and His Monster and The Trigger Twins (And, as a note about as big as the logos and credits for any of the characters within says, Batman and Robin do not appear anywhere within the comic; they're only on artist Kevin Maguire's cover as props in an Ambush Bug gag). 

Like the Rex story, three of the other features are comedies, while one is a pretty straightforward melodrama. You can probably guess what's what from the characters included.

The feature story is a 15-pager by Ambush Bug's creator Keith Giffen (handling the plot and pencils), Giffen's frequent collaborator Robert Loren Fleming (handling the script) and inker Bob Lewis, with Cynicalman creator Matt Feazell contributing one page (and getting a "special thanks" credit). 

I wonder if Giffen were reluctant to tell this story or not. At any rate, Ambush Bug is presented as reluctant to star in it, or at least to reveal any kind of origin, as the plot, as loose as it is, essentially revolves around the character trying to avoid being in an origin story of any kind, while under pressure from the National Bureau of Origins to do just that.

To that end, the story is full of several suggested origins and feints toward origins, although the true origin of Ambush Bug is probably that revealed in the title for the story, and it is basically the same origin of every comic book superhero: "We Thought Him Up."

An NBO agent visits Ambush Bug in his room/cell at the Roscoe P. Sweeny Memorial Home for Forgotten Cartoon Characters, and he tells our hero that he is "required by law to declare a credible origin story... ...or one will be provided for you!" 

To pressure him, the agent holds up a picture of Mr. Bug's missing child/sidekick, his doll Cheeks. This sets Ambush Bug off on a journey to find Cheeks, a more-or-less random, meandering story that includes an encounter with a Lord of Order, a trip to Heaven, the Feazell-drawn interlude that seems to suggest Ambush Bug's origin as a doodle in young student Irwin's algebra notebook, an appearance by Vril Dox from Giffen and company's L.E.G.I.O.N. series and parodies of  Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Batman's "I shall become a bat!" origin.

Note the words "Big Fat Freakin' Frogs" in the style of the TMNT cartoon logo; does that make this the very first iteration of that one meme based on this installment of xkcd, decades early, or nah?

This is then followed by the Stanley and His Monster story by writer/artist Phil Foglio and inker Keith Wilson, telling the story of how little boy Stanley Dover met the big, pink, furry creature with tusks that Arnold Drake and Win Mortimer created as a back-up strip in The Fox and Crow in the 1960s. This being 1990, this short eight-page story is Foglio's first Stanley and His Monster story; he would go on to write and pencil a four-issue mini-series in 1993.

In this short story, Stanley's monster, who, as was the case in the late 1960s, still looks like something that Jim Henson and his friends might have created, is "one of the nameless lords of the sixth circle" in Hell. As a demon, though, he has seemingly lost his way, no longer being cruel and pitiless, but rather showing mercy to the condemned and generally trying to make Hell a nicer place to spend eternity (He is "responsible for those loathsome 'Have A Nice Day' stickers appearing everywhere," a demon tells Lucifer Morningstar).

Yes, Lucifer. Interestingly, Foglio's two pages set in Hell feature the realm's rulers "the Triumverate", introduced in Neil Gaiman's** Sandman #4 from the previous year. If you recall, the Triumverate consisted of Lucifer, Beelzebub and Azazel the Abomination; artist Sam Kieth drawing them as a handsome blonde man, a giant green fly monster and a discorporate field of eyes and teeth, respectively.

Foglio draws them about the same here, although his Lucifer wears a shirt and pants (He has to wear a shirt, as it will be revealed there's a "Have A Nice Day" sticker on his back) and Azazel looks a bit more solid and a bit more red. Oh, and while Beelzebub is portrayed as a big green fly, upon first mention Lucifer calls him "Belial"...although later he calls him "Lord of the Flies," and Foglio has him speaking with a buzzing lisp and, in one panel, drinking from a cup labeled "Guano Whip."

It certainly seems like the fly guy is meant to be Beelzebub and not Belial, then. What accounts for the mistake? Well, that same year, in the just-launched new volume of The Demon written by Alan Grant, Etrigan's father Belial replaced Azazel on the Triumverate, so it's possible in trying to keep consistent with other DC comics, either Foglio or an editor messed up the exact makeup of the Triumverate. 

Still, how strange to imagine DC once caring so much about book-to-book continuity that a silly, cartoony comedy short in an anthology like this would honor the goings-on of a horror/fantasy series for mature readers! 

Anyway, to punish the Monster, he is exiled from Hell to Earth, where Lucifer assures his co-rulers that the hateful, fearful humans would soon drive the goodness out of him. Indeed, the monster is immediately made miserable on Earth, as everyone runs and screams as soon as they see him...everyone, that is, except Stanley Dover, a lonely little kid looking for a playmate.

The two become friends, with the Monster moving into Stanley's house, when the boy asks his parents if he could keep the "giant red talking dog with tusks" that he had found. They of course say yes, assuming he was talking about an imaginary friend.

The final story in the issue seems like it might have given readers a bit of whiplash, after three comedic stories, two of which had highly cartoony art. This is writer William Messner-Loebs and artist Trevor Von Eeden's story of the Trigger Twins. 

Like Rex, the Twins were once-successful characters that had by 1990 become something of a DC Comics trivia question. Looking them up, I see that they appeared in All-Star Western between 1951 and 1961, which is obviously a damn healthy run (Interestingly, that book was previously All-Star Comics, home of the Justice Society, but became a Western as the popularity of superheroes waned in the years after World War II). They made the cover on a fairly regular basis, too.

The Twins were created by Robert Kanigher and Carmine Infantino and their schtick was that one of them was a sheriff and the other civilian, and it was the civilian who was the better gunfighter of the two. Being identical twins, though, the superior marksman would often impersonate his brother. 

They were apparently so little-seen after the end of their All-Star feature that I think this is the very first time I've actually read a story featuring them, although I suppose it's possible they cameoed in one of those comics where all of DC's Western heroes might have appeared, like, I don't know, 1994's Guy Gardner: Warrior #24 or 2006's Justice League Unlimited #19 or 2017's  Scooby-Doo Team-Up #28. By contrast, I've read a handful of comics featuring Chuck Dixon and Graham Nolan's modern-day Trigger Twins, criminals who first showed up in a 1993 chapter of "KnightQuest" (They are prominently featured in 1997's Robin Annual #6, part of that year's winning "Pulp Hero" suite of annuals). 

In wordy but efficient fist-person narration, Messner-Loebs takes us from Wayne and Walt Triggers' birth until the point at which Wayne impersonates Walt for the first time. 

During the Civil War, the more shy and retiring Wayne discovers his phenomenal facility with firearms, killing nine members of a Confederate patrol that came upon the brothers before the rest of the patrol, seeing how quickly he took down their compatriots, "plumb gave up." 

The more outgoing Walt, took credit and, after the war, continued to coast on his unearned reputation as a quick-draw "gun hawk." When circumstances lead to him being made sheriff and having to face off against a whole gang of bandits, however, Wayne disguises himself as Walt and blasts through the bad guys, a pretty amusing sequence of panels in which Wayne's narration rattles off the colorful names of all the guys he kills, like Pegs the Swede, Mexican Luke Dagle and Stinky Porker and, eventually, "several whose names I do not know."

*A once prolific writer of comics (DC's Justice League and Green Lantern comics, Mailbu's Prime) and writer about comics (Men of Tomorrow), Gerard Jones pleaded guilty to possession of child pornography in 2018 and has since served a prison sentence for his crimes. I know I mentioned this the last time I had occasion to write about Jones, but it would seem wrong to not do so when discussing his work.

**While never confessing to nor being convicted of a crime like Gerard Jones was, Neil Gaiman was accused of sexually assaulting several women over a period of many years in a 2024 podcast. In 2025, New York magazine published a gut-wrenching article about the accusations against Gaiman that was posted online at Vulture.com. It's hard to read, and it is, in 2026, now impossible to write about Gaiman's comics work without an asterisk.

DC Universe Vs. Masters of The Universe #6: Let's never speak of any of this ever again.

Don't get excited. That is not the cover for the sixth and final issue of DC's thunderously disappointing DC Universe Vs. Masters of The Universe crossover series, nor is it a cover for an upcoming issue of DC's ongoing He-Man and The Masters of The Universe series. Rather, it is simply a pin-up that artist Stewart McKenny drew, and which I noticed on his Facebook feed the same day I happened to buy the previous issue of the DCUvMOTU series.

I post it here simply for contrast. If you're familiar with the characters (i.e. you grew up in the 1980s), then you'll notice that they are a) slightly tweaked versions of the characters as they appeared in the, let's face it, pretty terrible animated series, based on toy line (McKenny's Skeletor is much thinner, almost skeletal, and Evil-Lyn's neckline plunges deeper than I remember from the cartoon, but otherwise, they look like an artist filtering the original designs through his own style) b) the core line-up of the villains, Skeletor's "Evil Warriors" (well, the core line-up, plus Stinkor).

Of those eight villains on the image, only Skeletor and Evil-Lyn actually appear in DCvMOTU, and then in severely redesigned, you-might-not-recongize-'em-form. It seems inconceivable to me that you would do a miniseries based on the premise of a clash between these two worlds and not even include the obvious encounters that occurred to toy makers years ago*...

...but hell, what do I know.

I guess what I found so incredibly disappointing about the series is that I tend to view these sorts of crossover stories as once-in-a-lifetime sorts of exercises (Think JLA/Avengers or Marvel Vs. DC), and therefore I expect them to be both very good and to get in everything a fan might want to see happen. It's hard, but not impossible. Marvel Vs. DC isn't a great example, but JLA/Avengers is...I'm pretty sure writer Kurt Busiek and artist George Perez worked in every member of every team ever, all of their villains, all of their supporting characters, chunks of their history and every available location.

This is nowhere near as ambitious, perhaps because Giffen plotted it to simply be another chapter of the ongoing DC He-Man and The Masters of the Universe comic book DC is publishing, which has set about redesigning the characters costumes just as severely as the New 52 initiative redesigned DC's superheroes, and rather radically altered the status quo.

Seen that way, I guess it makes sense this is really just another terrible story arc of a terrible ongoing comic book series, and wasn't approached as anything special or historic or something-somebody-somewhere-might-conceivably-give-a-damn-about. And, unlike those DC/Marvel crossovers mentioned above, I guess there's no reason DC can't publish another, better DCU/MOTU crossover at some point in the future.

I'm fairly certain that they can't publish a worse one those, as comics don't get much worse than this.


COVER:

The third cover artist to contribute to this six-issue series is Mikel Janin, regular artist for Justice League Dark, who is not exactly doing his best work ever here. That big, toothy pile of color effects in the background is "Dark Orko," the villain of the piece, while various members of the Justice League and the Masters of the Universe line-up rather asymmetrically on either side of the cover, Battle Cat doing the best job of hiding himself in shame from the readers' eyes (He's mostly obscured behind the UPC symbol and creator credits).

Wonder Woman's head, neck and raised fist, and at least half of The Flash, are still visible behind the tagline, reading "FINAL BATTLE! DARK ORKO VS. EVERYONE!"

While there is a sort of George Perez, Anti-Monitor vs. the DC Universe homage panel near the climax, "Everyone" here is a lot less ambitious than one might expect, given that two entire universes full of characters are mentioned right there in the title. In truth, the "Everyone" refers to the eight characters from the Masters of The Universe universe and maybe two dozen DC characters max, only a relative handful of whom actually do much of anything, or even get lines of dialogue.

For the final issue, the creative team re-falls apart a bit. Keith Giffen is responsible for the plot (Boooo!), whereas the script can be blamed on Tony Bedard (Boooo!). The art is mostly by Pop Mhan, who badly draws 14 pages, while an Eduardo Francisco draws six pages. There are two colorists, but they don't split their page assignations to correspond with that of the artists.

If you've forgotten where we left off, or succeeded in blocking it from your memory because it just hurt too much to think about, let me remind you of what has come before. Orko discovered the magic evil skull of Hordak's dad, and it turned him into "Dark Orko," a big, evil, monster version of himself; he conquered his home dimension of Trolla, turned all the other Orkos there into scary monsters, and then sent Skeletor to the DC Universe. There, the redesigned New 52 Skeletor teamed up with Black Alice, who was apparently just there to give Skeletor someone to talk to, and placed 12 magic siphons all around the world; these draw magic from the DCU and will channel it to the Orko, destroy Earth-New 52 in the process (So I guess that means we should root for Orko and Skeletor...?).

To keep the heroes off his back, Skeletor possessed the Justice League and pit them against He-Man and other arrivals in this dimension from Eternia, the first battle seemingly ended with He-Man stabbing Superman through the torso and making the Man of Steel disappear (In actuality, he was simply teleported to Trolla).

As of last issue, all the heroes were finally all on the same page, and they decided to team up with Skeletor to stop Orko. In retaliation, Orko possessed all of the super-people in the DCU and sent them to the House of Secrets to fight Skeletor and whoever was un-possessed. Why not just possess everyone via this global mind control spell? Because...

Because...

....

...Okay, I can't think of a good reason.

Anyway, let's read the last issue of the most disappointing comic book story of my life!

PAGES 1-4: According to Skeletor, "Orko sent your world's mightiest beings to destroy us!" These consist of Blue Beetle, Firestorm, Orion, Cheetah, Black Manta and a bunch of Batman villains—including The Joker (again), although I'm pretty sure that's an(other) art mistake.

This motley crew, visually identified as mind-controlled by the red lightning rising out of their eye-sockets, are meant to take out The Eternians, Batman and the Justice League Dark line-up. In order to cut off Orko's power supply (an save the world), Skeletor sends various teams of the un-mind-controlled to attack the siphons.

PAGES 5-8: Prince Adam, which we all know is He-Man before he says "Shazam!" and gets all big and muscular, has tried sneaking into Trolla in order to rescue Superman. After he exchanges some words with Orko, Adam shouts his catch prhase, turns into He-Man and cuts the magical shackles imprisoning Superman.

Orko sics "a billion" Trollans on them.

PAGE 9: We see four of the teams who have gone to destroy four of the siphons, each of which is apparently guarded by a mind-controlled DCU character. In Greece, John Constantine and Evil-Lyn are faced with Wonder Woman. In Egypt, Man-at-Arms and Madame Xanadu are faced with Black Adam. In Cambodia, Stratos and Deadman-in-Battle Cat are walking around (Not sure why Deadman is in Battle Cat; this version of Deadman doesn't need to possess anyone in order to speak to the living the way he did before the reboot). And, finally, in France, Roboto and Frankenstein fight Cyborg.

PAGE 10-11: Skeletor is fighting the mind-controlled Deathstroke, Batgirl, Scarecrow, Clayface, Bane and Killer Croc, but by "fighting" I simply mean he is posing and talking, while they are posing in his direction.

The rest of the page is devoted to Batman giving Black Alice a pep talk: "You have the ability to tap into the powers of those you've been in contact with," he says incorrectly (She has the ability to tap into the power of any magic-user, whether she's met them or not). At Batman's urging, she uses her power to borrow some of Orko's magic.

Now, the neat thing about Black Alice is that when she does this, she generally gets a one-time costume redesign, appearing in a generally scanty, goth version of a costume worn by a DCU magic user.

So one might expect her to appear, for at least a panel, in a naughty goth Orko get-up. This does not happen.

Instead, she just appears as a pair of eyes in the sky, breaking the mind-control spell, thus sparing Man-At-Arms from having his arms ripped off by Black Adam and Constantine and -Lyn from being similarly dismembered by Wondy.

PAGEs 12-14:

Superman tells He-Man he's "not much good against magic," so He-Man lends him his Sword of Power. They don't have to fight long though, as Orko opens a portal in Earth in order to collect the power he's had siphoned—but Skeletor jumps through it shouting "It's Mine!!"

While they wrestle, Superman and He-Man fly through the portal back to Earth, and Skeletor and Orko stumble after.

PAGES 15-16:

Dogpile on Orko!

This is the page that reminded me of that pretty famous COIE cover by Perez.

Although now that I look at them both at once, the Perez image is a little more detailed and dynamic, huh...?

PAGES 17-19:

Using his X-Ray vision, Superman sees the evil Hordak's Dad skull inside Orko, and hurls He-Man's Sword of Power at it, impaling it and instructing He-Man to "Get ready to light him up!"

He-Man intuits that this means to shout "By the Power of Grayskull!" This causes lightning to SHA-KOOM the sword-impaled skull, which...shatters the skull and doesn't something bad to Orko. Skeletor jumps on Orko's back, still shouting about the Power and that he must have it.

Constantine then snaps his fingers, and SWHFF the two villains disappear.

"Where are they, Constantine?" Batman asks, to which the mage responds "Gone, Batman. Forever, if I got it right."

Man-At-Arms isn't so sure; he cooly regards the closing vortex and says, "Let's hope so...But if there's one thing I've learned about Skeletor, it's that he always comes back."

PAGES 20-21: And then, Man-at-Arms and company suddenly react completely differently, raising their arms into the air and cheering at the defeat. He-Man and his mom hug (Oh yeah, He-Man's mom was in this, if you forgot. She's a lady from the DCU, and is somehow cursed so that she can never return to Eternia).

The best part is Teela and Man-at-Arms pondering their next move. "What do we do now? " Teela asks. "I mean, we did come here hoping to recruit Skeletor in our war against The Horde."

"We'll just have to find a different way to liberate Eternia," Man-at-Arms responds. The Justice League and a handful of superheroes from the DCU, who just accepted He-Man and company's aid in saving their world from Skeletor and Orko, not only don't volunetter, but Madame Xanadu and Constantine immediately open up a portal to Eternia and say "Godspeed to you all" and "Don't forget to write."

Nice heroing, a-holes.

At the bottom of the final page, there's a tag saying "Don't miss the origin of She-Ra starting in He-Man and the Masters of the Universe #13!" but, if you somehow made it through all six of these awful issues, I can't imagine you would be at all interested in following the Eternians on to their next adventure. Or the heroes of the DC Universe on to any of their further adventures. Rather than serving as some sort of incentive to sell the He-Man comics to DC readers or DC comics to He-Man fans, this miniseries was basically a strong argument for never reading any comics featuring any of these characters again.

But don't judge all of the DC line of comics by this miniseries! While it's true many of them are not very good, and most of them are mediocre, few if any that I've read have been as poorly made as DC Universe Vs. Masters of the Universe, which we need never speak of again, and can, in fact, now being consciously trying to forget.

Or should we instead keep it in the back of our mind at all times? Well, I don't know that we should, but certain comic book publishers, editors and creators should think of it as a good example of how not to do a cross franchise story. After all, those that forget the past are doomed to repeat it, and therefore I assume that those that forget DC Universe Vs. Masters of the Universe are doomed to repeat it, and nobody wants that...


*In addition to an Aquaman Vs. Mer-Man two-pack set, Mattel also produced a Superman Vs. He-Man, a Lex Luthor vs. Skeletor, She-Ra Vs. Supergirl, Green Lantern vs. Zodac, Bizarro Vs. Faker and Hawkman Vs. Stratos...that last match-up is the only one to actually occur in the comic book series, aside from the He-Man and Superman fight. Is it even worth pointing out that the toy lines have the characters in their classic looks, rather than the New 52 redesings of the DC characters and the updated looks of the MOTU characters? For the most part, it looks like the designs from the Super Friends or Super Powers show doing battle with the designs from the original He-Man cartoon...with the Bizarro and Supergirl hailing from Superman: The Animated Series.

DC Universe Vs. Masters of The Universe #5: Just one more issue, and then we can forget this ever happened.

This week DC shipped the penultimate issue of their big event series pitting some of the most powerful characters from two alternate universes against one another, in the pages of Forever Evil #6. It wasn't very good, nor was it terribly interesting in any way. But it could have been worse. It could have been the penultimate issue of another DC event series pitting some of the most powerful characters from two alternate universes agains one another: It could have been DC Universe Vs. Masters of The Universe #5.

As you'll recall if you're reading the series, or just reading my series of blog posts about the series, one-time court jester and created-for-the-dumb-cartoon-series comic relief character Orko, tired of being laughed at, became an all-powerful monster wizard guy, so powerful that Eternian Big Bad Skeletor now works for him.

He sent Skeletor to the DC Universe, specifically, Earth-New 52, where Skeletor enlisted teh aid of Black Alice, who has yet to use any magical powers of her own, or do much aside from occasionally sass Skeletor. They set up a bunch of magical "siphons," their intent being to drain this world of all its magical energy, destroying it in the process.

To keep those pesky superheroes in the Justice League out of the way, Skeletor had them all possessed (except Batman, who could not be possessed, because he's Batman) and sent them after He-Man, He-Man's mom, Teela and Evil-Lyn, who have journeyed to the DCU to stop Skeletor. At one point, He-Man impaled Superman on his magic sword, causing the latter to disappear and, because everyone in this book is an idiot, they assumed that meant He-Man murdered Superman.

The remaining Justice Leaguers, plus some of the guys from Justice League of America, the team in a book that DC launched exclusively to tie-in to "Trinity War" and Forever Evil and are will therefore soon cancel in a few months, go after all the good guy Eternians, which now include Man-At-Arms, Stratos, Roboto and Battle Cat, who have arrived looking for He-Man and friends.

Then the members of the third Justice League, the Justice League Dark, show up with Batman and break up that fight.

And, that's pretty much where plotter Keith Giffen, scripter Tony Bedard, artist Pop Mhan and the pair of colorists splitting up random chunks of the book to work on—Veronica Gandini and Tony Avina—left off.

So once more into the breach, dear friends...

COVER:

This is the first cover of the series not drawn be Ed Benes, an artist who I think I've made pretty clear in the past that I am not a fan of. This one is drawn by Bernard Chang, who is a pretty good artist, but it's hard to tell based on this terrible cover. Maybe this project is just cursed?

Just as this storyline has completely squandered the scores and scores of characters and settings that combining not one, but two fictional shared-setting universes have to offer, this cover ignores the 20 or so characters involved to present just two: Superman and, well, you might not be able to tell, but his name on the cover should serve as a pretty good clue that the abstract, vaguely skull-like shape in the background is Skeletor.

Superman is being beset by monstrous versions of Trollans, the native inhabitants of Trolla, Orko's homeworld in yet another dimension. The colorist, whom I think is Chang himself as no one else is credited, saw fit to make their blue skin and the red lightning auras about them almost the exact same shade as the red and blue of Superman's costume, so it all blends together into one big, ugly mess...with a little neon yellow trying to peek around the text and figures in the background.

"Trapped in Skeletor's Grasp," the cover says, despite the fact that, as we saw last issue, Superman is actually on Trolla now, trapped in Orko's grasp.

PAGES 1-4:

He-Man, his mom, Teela and Evil-Lynn arrive at the bottom of a rocky hill dotted with bare trees, the top of which is occupied by a shack that the caption tells us is The House of Secrets, which is where Skeletor has been holed up for much of the last four issues.

Inside, Skeletor is pretty happy about how well the magic power siphons are working—for evidence, we see that it has made Black Alice's legs and one of her arms very, very skinny. Black Alice is kinda sorta magic, I think—at the very least, she has a super-power which allows her to temporarily steal and use the magic powers of magic-powered DC characters—although I don't think that's been mentioned at all in this series yet.

Orko appears as a wall of fire with angry eyes to tell Skeletor about He-Man and mom are closing in, and, rather than leaving it to Skeletor to handle, Orko casts a spell that is variation of the one Skeletor used "to enslave the so-called 'Justice League'...Of course, my version is much bigger."

PAGES 5-7:

To emphasize how much bigger, we see the planet earth in long shot, surrounded by a red aura, while big, bolts of red lightning emanate from somewhere in North America, streaking all over the globe.

Meanwhile, in Gotham City, Man-At-Arms and his posse are staring down Batman and his posse, having apparently agreed to come to team-up since we've seen them last. "Then it is decided, Man-Of-Bats, we join forces against Skeletor."

Batman politely declines to mention that Man-Of-Bats is a different guy in a bat costume.

Suddenly, Constantine shouts "INCOMING! and FWOOSHes a spell to protect them from "some bad mojo" that "felt like mind-control, but on a massive" scale.

A message "squarks" in Batman's cowl: "To all who heed the master's call: Proceed to the encolsed coordinates. The Master's enemies must die!."

"That's the Justice League's global emergency frequency," Batman says, "There's o telling how many heroes might be receiving this." Really, notorious control freak Batman who builds secret backdoors into all Justice League technology and operating systems? No way of telling how many heroes are on the global emergency frequency?

Page seven is broken into an eight-panel grid, each showing a different meta-human, none of whom I think would be on that emergency frequency, but, as Constantine says, that spell will likely bring "every bleedin' metahuman" to the House of Secrets. Those shown here, each with glowing red eyes indicating they are being mind-controlled, are Black Canary, Killer Croc, Black Manta, Firestorm, Cheetha, OMAC, Blue Beetle and Orion.

PAGES 8-12:

He-Man and Evil-Lyn storm the front gate of the House, and while Evil-Lyn attempts to betray He-Man, Skeletor stops her, and immediately launches into a completely un-provoked three-page expository story, recounting some of the events from that terrible six-issue He-Man and the Masters of The Universe mini-series DC published a while back.

It goes like this. A long time ago Hordak killed his dad, Hordak Prime, and took his skull, which became a super-powerful, super-evil artifact. Skeletor used it to take over Eternia in the previously mentioned shitty miniseries, and Orko had attempted to stop him by destroying the skull, but, because Orko sucks and his spells always backfire, he instead absorbed all the evil power in the skull. "All his life Orko wanted to be a great wizard," Skeletor says, "Now he is a mad god."

Apparently a very distracted mad god, as he was just monitoring the situation in the House of Secrets, but now doesn't seem to be listening while Skeletor plots with He-Man to stop him.

PAGES 13-15:

Maybe he was busy playing with Superman, who he has held in unbreakable magical bonds on Trolla. He messes with Superman a bit, in the process showing Superman the evil magic skull and wear he keeps it. I wonder if that will come back to bite Orko in the ass later..?

That's a rhetorical question. Orko doens't have an ass.

PAGES 16-19:

Batman and Man-At-Arms' team are now at the bottom of the hill that He-Man and his gang were at the bottom of on the first page.

When Man-At-Arms, shown clutching an Eternian dildo gun, asks about the rather-humble House—on Eternia, after all, Skeletor hung out in a mountain fortress called Snake Mountain, with a giant snake carved into it, a waterfall pouring out of its jaws like it was eternally vomiting— Batman tells him "It's a dimensional nexus—undetectable by technological means. The Secret Six used to hide out here."

This is interesting because this is the first mention, so far as I know, of a Secret Six in the New 52 continuity. And this story does take place in the New 52 continuity, as the costuming is a pretty dead giveaway, as is the presence and make-up of the Justice League of America and The Justice League Dark.

The thing is, I don't think the Secret Six existed in The New 52. The team changed quite a bit over the years, but it was originally formed by Lex Luthor during the events leading up to the out-of-continuity Infinite Crisis, in the also-out-of-continuity Villains United.

Some of the original Six—Deadshot, Catman, Scandal Savage, Ragdoll II, Cheshire and a Parademon—still exist. Of those, I think Catman is the only one who has yet to be re-introduced into the New 52, but, of the others, they all seem pretty different (I've seen Ragdoll pop up in Arkham War, and there was a DC Comics Presents arc about Vandal Savage and a daughter; was it Scandal?). In fact, I'm not sure that the Parademon could be on the team, since they seem to be robots now...? (At least, The Justice League sure slaughtered them like they were completely artificial creatures).

The line-up rotated pretty much constantly, with only Deadshot, Catman, Scandal and Ragdoll sticking around for each incarnation, but a few of 'em don't seem to have existed yet—Jeanette, Knockout—and a few of them have been introduced, but in forms that it's difficult to imagine them in that particular team (Bane, for example).

And, of course, all of their adventures in Secret Six and the Villains United stories were tied into DC continuity no longer existent, so pretty much all of those events would need to be chucked out if the Secret Six did still exist in The New 52.

I imagine this was just a mistake on Giffen and Bedard's part though. Otherwise, the Secret Six, like The Justice League (only less so, given their much shorter life span), would be one of those teams wherein they supposedly had all the same adventures, just radically different, the differences of which DC doesn't know and won't tell readers.

Anyway, Skeletor meets them all at the door, and between he and Queen He-Man's Mom they convince the newcomers that they all need to team-up to fight Orko and save the DC Universe...and that before they got there, Skeletor snuck He-Man into Trolla to try and free Superman.

PAGE 20:

This is just a short, three-panel page, in which Deadman interrupts everyone to tell them that "pretty much everybody" is in the process of attacking the House.

The figures are in long-shot in the second panel, so it's sort of difficult to make some of them out, aside from those already shown as being mind-controlled, like Black Manta, Blue Beetle, Killer Croc, OMAC, Cheetah and Firestorm. There's also Batgirl, Bane, Hawkman, Deahstroke, a second, female Firestorm (New 52 Firehawk?) and...hey, whose that guy in purple with green hair...? That's not...

Oh shit, it is! That's The Joker, completely with his New 52 sliced-off face—the one I thought The Joker's Daughter was currently wearing on her face—like a mask.

(In fact, there was an ad for that gross Joker's Daughter one-shot in this very comic. Did you guys check that out? She eats The Joker's long-ago flayed-off face that she finds in the sewer on the very first page.)

Why, it's the first in-continuity appearance of The Joker since Scott Snyder and Greg Capullo and company's "Death of The Family"...!

That's gotta be an art mistake, right?

Right below that panel revealing that The Joker has returned not in the pages of Batman or Forever Evil, but in DC Universe Vs. Masters of The Universe #5, are printed what, by the time I finished this issue, were among my three favorite words in the English language:

DC Universe Vs. Masters of The Universe #4: Needs more Snout Spout

See that? That's just a single image from this fantastic gallery of painted Masters of The Universe-related artwork at Monster Brains, which more than one of my Facebook friends linked to last week. That gallery pretty accurately sums up what the inside of my head looked like at least an hour every day between the ages of, oh, 5 and 8. But even if you don't click on the link to see all the pictures, just take in the one above. Look at all of those colorful characters, almost each of which had its own unique power or gimmick. Look at those crazy vehicles, all based on monsters or animals. Look at those playsets. And in that image above, among those dozens of characters, there are at least three distinct and warring factions of bad guys—Skeletor and his Evil Warriors, Hordak and The Horde, The Snake Men—with whom the Masters of the Universe must contend.

There's just so much there to work with.

Guess how much of that has made it into DC Universe Vs. Masters of The Universe?

Four issues in, the only characters from the Masters of the Universe universe to appear have been the drastically redesigned, "New 52" versions of He-Man, Teela, Man-at-Arms, Roboto, Moss Man, Stratos, Battle Cat, Evil-Lyn, Skeletor and Orko. Orko is, it turns out, the ultimate villain of the piece, with Keith Giffen having turned the annoying/funny magical sidekick from the cartoon series into an all-powerful, unstoppable magical force—a little like what Alan Moore did with Mr. Mxyzptlk in "Whatever Happened to Man of Tomorrow?" and a little like what Sean McKeever did with Wonder Dog during his rather unfortunate run on Teen Titans.

As for the DC Universe, it has thus far been represented by the rosters of the three Justice Leagues, plus minor villain/anti-heroine Black Alice. And that's it, really.

In terms of scope and sweep, it's a pretty narrow, limited to some cherry-picking of characters, and the plot doesn't draw anything of any particular interest to either shared universe setting: Working at Dark Orko's behest, New 52 Skeletor travels to Earth-New 52 in order to drain it of all magic, a process that will destroy the planet. To keep the heroes off his back, he manipulates He-Man into seemingly killing Superman, so the Justice Leagues are hunting for and fighting the Masters of the Universe rather than looking for Skeletor.

And that's it, so far. It's been a very weird crossover so far, with no real indication that this is meant to be a once-in-a-lifetime meeting between two huge franchises full of scores of characters that intersect, compare and contrast in interesting ways. It reads more like your average JLA/JSA crossover from back in the day, when those things happened annually or so; just two teams of super-people sharing a brief adventure to fill comic book pages and if the results are nothing special, well, so what? There's always next time.

JLA/Avengers it ain't, in other words. Hell, JLA/Titans or Avengers Vs. X-Men it ain't. I'd say it's more like New Avengers/Transformers, but I never finished reading that miniseries; and I suppose it's always possible it got better after the first few terrible issues.

To recap, in the first three issues: He-Man's mom came to DC's Earth, where she is apparently from, seeking help to stop Skeletor, who is working with Black Alice for Orko. She finds John Constantine, who, oddly enough, seems to be the main character in this story, getting more panel-time than just about anyone else. They're soon joined by He-Man, Teela and Evil-Lyn.

Skeletor possesses all of the Justice Leaguers save Batman, who is too cool to be possessed, and has them attack He-Man and friends; during the melee, He-Man seemingly impales Superman, who vanishes upon being stabbed. This makes all of the Leaguers mad, and they go hunting the Eternians. And then another group from Eternia, including Man-at-Arms and the others, arrive on Earth, searching for the first group. They run into the Justice League of America.

Things seems to be under control with the creative team at last, at least, with Tony Beard still scripting from Keith Giffen's plot, but Pop Mhan back to handling all of the artwork himself again, after some rather substantial assistance last month.

COVER:

Look, see? There's John Constantine again. Dude's like the face of the DC Universe in this thing. He's appearing alongside He-Man, Teela and, in the center, Zatanna, who does not appear in this issue, and has not appeared in any issue of the series so far.

PAGES1-3:

Evil-Lyn, Teela, He-Man and He-Man's mom are at Stonehenge, recapping the plot, where they've found one of the magical siphon thingees Skeletor is using to drain Earth-New 52 of its magical essence. Evil-Lyn tells them they can use it to find Skeletor. A determined He-Man tells her to "hurry," because "if we don't stop my uncle, who will?"

That sets up the next two pages, full of people who would like to stop his uncle, Skeletor.

PAGES 4-6:

A terrible scan, as the book is bigger than my scanner. Please note Mhan's Roboto and the J'onn/Battle Cat fight, though.

It's (some of) the Master of the Universe vs. (some of) the Justice League of America! Stratos vs. Hawkman! Man-at-Arms vs. Green Arrow! Green Lantern Simon Baz versus the most poorly drawn version of Roboto you can imagine! And, most amusingly, Martian Manhunter vs. Battle Cat!

That last match-up shouldn't be much of a fight at all, given that Martian Manhunter's powers include super-strength, invulnerability, invisibility, intangibility, shape-shifting, telepathic powers and devastating eye-beam weapons referred to as "Martian Vision."

Battle Cat, on the other hand, is a large, green tiger.

J'onn's strategy for fighting Battle Cat, however, is to turn into a cat-man and try to tackle Battle Cat, who grabs him, throws him down, and then slaps him across his stupid Martian face. Congratulations, Martian Manahunter! You've just reached the nadir of your career!

While the battle rages across five whole panels, Colonel Steve Trevor, hiding behind a car, uses his cell phone to call Wonder Woman's bracelet and ask her if these are her hostiles. She says she'll be there to help capture and interrogate them with her magic rope.

This final page looks so much like it was drawn by Howard Porter, I had to re-check the credits to make sure that it was indeed Pop Mhan who was drawing every page of art in this issue.

PAGES 7-8:

In conversation with Alfred, a brown-haired Bruce Wayne realizes that Superman isn't really dead, because it's just a little too convenient that his body completely disintegrated after being stabbed to death. Also, there's no way DC would kill Superman off, even temporarily, in a stupid little miniseries like this that no one's reading.

PAGES 9-10:

Dark Orko tells Skeletor and Black Alice his plan, which involves converting all life into his Horde or whatever, and they realize that serving Orko may not actually be in their best interests.

PAGES 11-13:

We rejoin the MOTU vs. JLOA battle already in progress. The Savage Hawkman tries stabbing Stratos, who is mainly just avoiding him, and then he KRAKs him with his big, golden, spike-covered mace.

Martian Manhunter has completed his transformation into a large, green, cat creature and is trying to reason with Battle Cat, who slaps the shit out of him again.

Green Lantern, having apparently defeated Roboto off-panel, now goes after Moss Man, who uses his plant-controlling powers to smack him around with some trees. GL responds by creating a large green chainsaw which he is about to chop Moss Man's arm off with (!!!) when suddenly...

PAGES 14-16:

Swamp Thing snatches the chainsaw out of the air, grabbing its whirling blade in his hand (SHLP SHRP SKLUSHHH is the sound a chainsaw blade makes in the palm of the hand of a muck-encrusted mockery of a man, if you're wondering), and slowly tells GL to stop this madness and that his "construct...is in very poor taste."

Justice League Dark, having been recruited by Constantine last issue, has come to break up the fight—by beating on Justice League of America. Frankenstein blocks Hawkman's mace, which he was about to use to crush the skull of poor, helpless Stratos (JLoA is pretty fucking hardcore, if this is their idea of taking the Eternians alive). Deadman possesses Green Arrow, uses a flame arrow to chase Martian Manhunter away from Battle Cat (and, incidentally, make J'onn say "SQUEEEE--!", but not in the Internet's general usage of that word), and Black Orchid runs up and punches out Steve Trevor.

The Masters are the JLD are then teleported away by magic.

PAGE 17-20:

Madame Xanadu cast the spell to rescue the two teams from Trevor's Leaguers. Together with John Constantine and Batman, they plan on stopping Skeletor and figuring out where Superman is being kept so they can rescue him.

While Batman narrates an inspirational speech, the artwork jumps around to show us who is where: He-Man and his team are just outside Skeletor's headquarters in the House of Secrets. Skeletor and Black Alice are still talking to Orko. And Superman? He's trapped in the flaming portal in the torso of Dark Orko, the portal that used to be the big, black O on his little purple cloak, back when he was the wacky sidekick and court jester in Eternia.

Next? "The Story of Dark Orko," according to the last-page blurb. I can't wait.