It's come to my attention that a Popeye movie is being developed.

While I am not, nor have I ever been a professional casting agent, I think I may be able to offer some assistance in the difficult task of casting such a film.

POPEYE...

...JASON STATHAM

OLIVE OYL...

...KRYSTEN RITTER

J. WELLINGTON WIMPY...

...JOHN HODGMAN

BLUTO...

...RON PERLMAN

THE SEA HAG...

...CLINT EASTWOOD

ALICE THE GOON...

..."STONE COLD" STEVE AUSTIN

POOPDECK PAPPY...

...JASON STATHAM AGAIN

EUGENE THE JEEP...

...UGGIE

Wait, what's that? It's going to be animated...?  

Aw man, I was really getting excited about the possibility of seeing Statham in a sailor suit trading punches with Austin and Perlman, and Ritter in a tight, red blouse...

I think Mark Millar should have named his evil Batman character

"Badman" instead of "Nemesis." If you're going to do an evil Batman character and talk up how much you're pushing the envelope, why not push the envelope as far as you can, irritating DC and Warner Brothers lawyers and executives as much as possible? Badman will certainly be a better movie title than Nemesis anyway—IMDb.com has 19 exact matches for that title, and about 25 more for partial hits, video games and television shows—subversively bringing Batman to mind every time the title is spoken aloud.

Eli Kochalka and I have the same favorite Super Friend

I don't normally read the letters pages of the Johnny DC titles I read—although I do always look at the cool pictures that get submitted by young readers—so I missed the fact that the last issue of Super Friends (the one with the fantastic Pirate Starro J. Bone cover) had a letter and a drawing from Eli Kochalka, the son of cartoonist James Kochalka, and one of the stars of his dad's diary strip American Elf.

The last time I went to check out the elder Kochalka's online strip, I noticed an item about the younger's letter and drawing in the back of Super Friends #12.

Here's a scan from my comic:



So Eli Kochalka's favorite is Aquaman, and he loves the Atlantean Ace, huh?

You know what that means?

It means that it is James Kochalka's responsibility as a father to write and draw an Aquaman comic for DC.

Getting 'em all in: Batman comics heavy on the villains, for film adaptation purposes

No sooner had 1989’s Batman started doing blockbuster business then speculation of which villains would be in the inevitable sequel began. I distinctly remember reading Danny DeVito suggested as The Penguin (which came true) and Robin Williams as The Riddler (which didn’t).

The same happened when Batman Begins rebooted the franchise (using some of the last big name Bat-villains yet to be used), and, in fact, tends to happen every time a new superhero franchise starts.

Heroes with a lot of good villains, like Spider-Man, are kind of frustrating to think about, because even the best and most successful franchises can only have so many entries in them, particularly before the quality starts to dip (The first Batman franchise, for example, made it all of two movies before it started falling apart).

And no heroes got better villains than Batman; thanks to the live-action TV show, he has four household name archvillains, and the first set of movies added Two-Face, Mr. Freeze, Poison Ivy and Bane to the list of Bat-Villains Someone Will Know Of Without Ever Having Read A Single Comic Book.

In his second Batman movie, Christopher Nolan tackled two from that list, and because it made something like $500 zillion, a third one will certainly be around the corner. Odds are, however, the franchise will run out of steam before Nolan, or anyone else, gets to Man-Bat, Killer Croc, The Mad Hatter, Ventriloquist and characters of their cachet.

Maybe the solution, then, is to try and get as many villains on screen as possible in a single movie.

Now, few superhero movies can survive the Two Villain Rule (which states that no superhero movie can excel while having two or more villains). Think Batman Forever (2), Batman and Robin (2-3) or Daredevil (3). Even pretty good two-villain movies—Batman Returns, Spider-Man 3—tend not to be as good as their one-villain fellows.

The reason for this is that you can only spend so much time detailing characters’ origins and motivations in a single movie, and throwing too many characters at a film audience at once has a tendency to destroy the narrative (In the Schumacher Bat-films, for example, not only was time spent detailing new villains, but also new heroes on top of the new villains).

But with Batman, maybe it doesn’t matter so much, since the mainstream movie-going audience is already so familiar with so many of his rogues. Catwoman’s a woman who dresses like a cat, Riddler’s a guy who tells riddles, etc.

So I was thinking of Batman comics that were chockfull of Bat-villains, comics that could potentially be good starting points for future Batman movies that try to get as many Bat-villains in as possible and still be somewhat coherent. Most of them seem to involve Arkham Asylum, as it’s essentially a warehouse for Batman bad guys; the toy box where the comics writers choose the villains they want to use for a story, and put them back when they’re done playing with them.

Presumably, that would work pretty well for film purposes too; viewers wouldn’t need a 10-30 minute origin story for The Mad Hatter or The Cavalier if they’re encountered in the confines of “an asylum for the criminally insane.” Who are these guys dressed like a storybook character and a musketeer? Why, they’re criminally insane guys, of course.

Here’s what I came up with…



ARKHAM ASYLUM

By: Grant Morrison and Dave McKean

Villains: The Joker, Two-Face, (a) Clayface, Maxie Zeus, Killer Croc, The Mad Hatter, The Scarecrow and new characters Amadeus Arkham and Mad Dog (seen in flashbacks)

Other characters: Just Commissioner Gordon

Plot: When the inmates gain control of Arkham Asylum and hold the staff hostage, their demands include Batman coming in to hang out with them. He does so, and ends up playing a pretty dangerous game of hide and seek with his foes, while readers learn of the sinister history of the asylum itself, and the fate of its founder Amadeus Arkham.

Advantages: Oppressively dark and obsessively psychological, its aesthetic is tonally close to The Dark Knight, only maybe multiplied by ten or twenty.

Additionally, the everything-is-a-symbol storytelling lends itself to a real arthouse kind of take on Batman. There are certainly some neat, filmic visuals—that fossilized bat skeleton comes to mind—and the story is flexible enough that a film adaptation could toss in any additional criminally insane Bat-villains the filmmakers wanted to.

Disadvantages: The 1989 book is surprisingly dated today, perhaps in large part because the specific interpretations of many of these villains given here have stuck, so however unique it might have seemed to present some of these goofballs like this in the late '80s, it now just seems commonplace.

Also, aside from the aggressively gay, ass-slapping, sexual-harassment Joker (maybe the only Joker more inappropriate for the kids than nihilist terrorist Joker of Dark Knight), particularly challenging-to-adapt aspects include the flashback ghost story thread, and the magical symbolism involving a Batman destined to be Batman and fight and then create and re-fight all these crazy people.

Finally, there's precious little in the way of action scenes—just a few one-on-one fights between Batman and the likes of Clayface and Croc—so the necessary car chases and explosions would need to be added in.


“THE LAST ARKHAM” from Batman: Shadow of the Bat#1-#4

By: Alan Grant and Norm Breyfogle

Villains: The Joker, The Riddler, The Scarecrow, Two-Face, Black Mask, The Mad Hatter, The Spook, Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum, Maxie Zeus, Poison Ivy Clayface III, Cornelius Stirk, Crazy Quilt and new characters Mr. Zsasz and Amygdala

Other characters: Nightwing, Gordon, Robin and new character Jeremiah Arkham

Plot: Batman starts acting nuttier than usual, punching out and seemingly killing a policeman at a crime scene, and is therefore arrested and deemed to be criminally insane and put in Arkham. It's a plan he cooked up to get on the inside, though, since he suspects new Asylum chief Jeremiah Arkham may be colluding with a serial-killing inmate. A series of murders match the MO of an inmate perfectly, but said inmate appears to always be safely locked up in the newly remodeled and redesigned, high-security Arkham. (Fortunately, the new Arkham doesn't believe in stripping inmates of their costumes and codenames until their ready, so Batman can keep his secret ID).

Advantages: Like Arkham Asylum, which influenced the story (new character Jeremiah is a descendent of the Amadeus Arkham from Morrison and McKean's book, and when we first meet him he’s tossing his uncle’s journal, which was the vehicle for much of the narration in Arkham Asylum, into a pile of burning trash), "The Last Arkham" provides an easy opportunity to use pretty much Batman's entire rogue's gallery in some capacity, and the unique setting of a gothic Victorian asylum—although here remodeled into a maximum-security labyrinth abutting the original façade.

It is much less dated, however, mostly because it doesn't seem to be trying quite so hard to be deep, dark and mature. It's also set up as a pretty effective mystery—who is committing these murders, and how? Is this Arkham in on it, or just a dupe?—with a few twists along the way (Has Batman really lost it for real this time?).

Finally, it introduced a brand new villain to Batman's rogue's gallery, Mr. Zsasz. Grant and Breyfogle were quite good at coming up with new characters. Some didn't stick as well as others (Pagan, Somnus, The Human Flea, Feedback), but the ones that did proved pretty popular for a post-Crisis Batman villain (Zsasz, Scarface and The Ventriloquist, Anarky). He has the advantage of being a character that's never really made it into a movie or cartoon (that I know of; I've only seen two of the five seasons of The Batman; I think he may have had a cameo in Batman Begins).

Disadvantages: The good guy-pretending-to-be-a-bad guy-in-prison angle might be overly tired, even with a fresh coat of Bat-paint, and it sounds like Warner Bros. is already developing the same story as a Green Arrow vehicle in that goofy sounding Super Max movie I hope never actually gets made. Despite the fact that Batman fights the whole asylum in one three-page sequence, there might be too little action for a big-screen movie (again, no car chases or explosions), and the Nightwing part would need to be either excised or rewritten to include a character from the current Batman movie-verse. Robin or Catwoman would work if they get introduced any time soon, or, I don't know, maybe Commissioner Gordon, Alfred or Lucius Fox if Gary Oldman, Michael Caine or Morgan Freeman are ever like, "Yeah, I'll do another movie I guess, but next time can I have a scene where I crawl through a ventilation shaft, get in a fistfight with some orderlies and, I don’t know, maybe get in a knife fight in a sewer?"


BATMAN: THE LONG HALLOWEEN

By: Jeph Loeb and Tim Sale

Plot: During Batman's very busy first year (which had at least five October 31sts in it), the old Gotham criminal underworld of mobsters is giving way to a new Gotham criminal underworld of masked crazy people with codenames and gimmicks.

Our hero has a shot at stopping both forces, essentially “winnng” his war on crime, with staunch allies James Gordon and Harvey Dent in his corner, provided that neither of them get shot to death by Holiday, a mysterious serial killer who takes a life on each holiday.

And then Dent becomes Two-Face and Gotham is fucked forever.

Villains: Carmine Falcone, Boss Maroni, The Joker, Catwoman, The Penguin, The Riddler, Poison Ivy, Solomon Grundy, The Mad-Hatter, The Scarecrow, Calendar Man, Two-Face and "Holiday."

Other characters: Gordon, Dent, Alfred

Advantages: Pretty much every name Bat-villain gets a chance to shine, even if only briefly in a set piece or two, and they are worked into the plot quite coherently (in the two previously mentioned Asylum stories, they mostly function as cameos).

The story does have a little of everything movie producers like, from romance involving Batman/Bruce Wayne and Catwoman/Selina Kyle to big action set pieces like Batman vs. The Joker on a bi-plane on New Year’s Eve to special effects like Poison Ivy's powers or Grundy's appearance. The central mystery is pretty effective—I remember really puzzling over it when these single issues were originally coming out—although I'm still not sure if I completely understood the resolution of it (I'm sure a good screen writer could straighten it all out in the process of making the story less episodic).

Finally, there's a sequel all ready and waiting to go in Batman: Dark Victory, which similarly uses all of the same characters and also has a fairly effective mystery, while adding Mister Freeze and Robin to the mix (the latter in a way that allows Robin to be in the movies without actually being in the movies, since Dick Grayson doesn't become Robin until the very last pages…which include the best panels of Jeph Loeb’s career).

Disadvantages: Christopher Nolan and company already covered a lot of this ground in their last two movies, albeit in a more "inspired by" sort of way, with Dark Knight focusing on the Harvey Dent-to-Two-Face character arc. Therefore if Long Halloween and/or Dark Victory were ever going to be adapted into Batman movies, it would likely mean another franchise reboot.


"Knightfall" from pretty much all the Bat-books in 1993

By: Like a million guys

Plot: Santa Priscan bad-ass Bane, who was condemned to prison as a baby for crimes he didn't commit and did sit-ups for 30 years until he was strong enough to avenge his fallen teddy bear Osoito, comes to Gotham City with one task in mind: Breaking Batman and becoming the de facto King of Gotham City. He does so by breaking everyone out of Arkham Asylum, figuring that will tire Batman out, and then beating him up and breaking his back. The end.

Villains: The Joker, The Scarecrow, Two-Face, The Ventriloquist (and a sockpuppet), The Mad Hatter, Mr. Zsasz, Poison Ivy, Firefly, The Cavalier, Bane, Bane's running crew which never appeared again for some reason, Killer Croc, Amygdala, probably some others I'm forgetting

Other characers: Gordon, Alfred, Robin, Azrael

Advantages: Batman fighting pretty much every villain ever, including a few which would make for good movie action scenes, like winged Firelfy burning shit down or Batman all freaking out and hallucinating on Scarecrow gas while getting his ass handed to him by Bane. Additionally, unlike the other Batman vs. Arkham Asylum stories on this list, this one gets the inmates out into the streets of Gotham, so the settings are more varied and visually interesting than just being in the asylum the whole time.

Disadvantages: The story is kind of repetitive and video game-like, with Batman basically having to clear a level by rescuing some civilians and defeating a boss, working his way up to the big boss, Bane (I got a similar videogame vibe reading Arkham Asylum, except Batman mostly had to just listen to the level bosses speechify).

The complete story took a few thousand pages to tell, including setting up who the hell this Azrael guy is and who the hell this Bane guy is before running Batman through this gauntlet. To make it into a film, it would require a great deal of tinkering to either remove Azrael completely or introduce him more smoothly.

An I wasn’t exaggerating when I said a few thousand. There’s also the matter of “Knightfall” ending with Batman losing; he's beaten within an inch of his life and paralyzed from the waist down, being forced to pass his mantle on to someone else. So a film adaptation would have to have its eye on a sequel or two, or else commit to cramming “KnightQuest: The Search”, “KnightQuest: The Crusade” and “KnightsEnd” all into the same movie (which worked out just awful in that direct-to-DVD cartoon that crammed the death of Superman story, "Funeral for a Friend" and "Reign of the Supermen" all into less than 90 minutes).


“Hush” from Batman #608-#619

By: Jeph Loeb, Jim Lee and Scott Williams

Villains: The Joker, Harley Quinn, Catwoman, Poison Ivy, The Riddler, Clayface II, Killer Croc, Scarecrow, Ra's al Ghul, Talia, Two-Face, new character Hush and perhaps a resurrected back-to-life Jason Todd (depending on who you ask)

Other characters: Gordon, Alfred, Robin, Oracle, Huntress, Nightwing, Superman, Lois Lane, Krypto the Superdog and Harold

Plot: One-time childhood friend of Bruce Wayne's turned evil plastic surgeon Hush begins manipulating various elements of Batman's rogue's gallery long enough to give Jim Lee the opportunity to draw all the Batman characters he wanted to draw. It's also kind of a mystery, but I never really understood the answer.

Advantages: There are a lot of characters in this thing, many of them of the sort that are difficult to get into the same story (Joker and Ra's al Ghul, for example), there are some big action scenes (the skydiving Batman scene) and new designs (like a more reptilian Killer Croc) and it does introduce a new marquee Bat-villain, one who's never, ever been in any of the mass media adaptations.

Disadvantages: That new Bat-villain is one of the lamer Bat-villains, in the same neighborhood as Feedback and Metalhead (The Ten-Eyed Man, Signal Man and Killer Moth may be lame, but they're lame in a way that is actually kind of cool; Hush just kind of sucks).

I've read the story at least twice now, and I still don't understand what Hush's deal was (Was he just trying to drive Batman crazy and kill him for revenge?) or who was Hush at various points (I think it was another of those combination deals, with different characters being Hush at different times?)

Some aspects would probably never make it into a movie, like Superman and Krypto guest-starring, and the likes of Nightwing, Oracle, Huntress and Harold would likely make for way too much backstory in a superhero movie. It's really a comic book story that plays to things comic book readers like about comic books.

Harold’s appearance, for example, is an out-of-left field surprise that would only really matter if you remember reading Batman comics from the brief time in which the hunchbacked handyman was a supporting cast member.

Or, for perhaps a better example, when people who have been reading Batman comics for 20 years saw a grown up Jason Todd appear, minds were blown. That scene probably wouldn't even make it into a film, because who outside Batman comics readers actually knows/cares about Jason Todd?



Those are the only ones I could come up with. Most of the bat-crossovers in the time since “Knightfall” tended to involve Batman and his allies, but relatively few villains. Most of the villains appear at some point in the “No Man’s Land” era, but that was more of a long-term status quo change than a single story. And I guess “War Crimes” had most of the villains and heroes in it at some point, but it is also, like, the worst thing ever.

Any other suggestions for Bat-comics with a substantial swathe of Bat-villains involved?

Now that Omega The Unknown is wrapping up, what will Jonathan Lethem work on next for Marvel?

I don't know, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it's this:

Dear Dwayne McDuffie,

Congratulations on your new gig!

Even a few years ago, I probably would have greeted the news that Dwayne McDuffie was going to be writing JL(o)A with a "Who?" instead of "Woo hoo!" (despite having enjoyed so much of your past Milestone work, back when I didn’t pay much attention to the credit boxes).

But is it just me, or have you seriously stepped up your game lately?

As someone who doesn't really pay much attention to the names of television writers on shows I watch (I have no idea if you were the genius who had Flash-in-Luthor's-body not wash his hands after going to the bathroom because he was evil or not, for example), I'm not even referring to any work you may have done on the generally excellent Justice League Unlimited. I mean instead the last few issues of Firestorm (including the sublime Orion vs. Stompa fight), the wonderfully old-school Beyond! (which took a handful of characters I didn't care the least for and weaved a highly entertaining story around them), the tons of fun Fantastic Four and, hell, even last week's Avengers Classic back-up.

Now, from what Dan Didio has said, it sounds like you'll be whittling the cast of JLoA down somewhat, as it's rather large for your (or his?) taste. Which I was surprised to hear, seeing as there are only ten people in the League at the moment, eleven if you count Geo-Force, and the best runs on the team have been those with the largest casts (Giffen/DeMatteis had two teams spread over two books and a quarterly; Morrison’s team swelled to around a dozen).

While everyone has their own ideal League line-ups, I'll try my hardest not to bore you with mine here. I did want to share some advice with you, though. Not that you need it, but rather because if there's one thing we at EDILW like doing, it's sharing advice about Justice League comics that no one ever listens to.

So, regarding that line-up: It's integral to remember that the Justice League formula that works the very best is “The Big Seven” plus a few more. The Leagues that have worked the best financially and critically without that foundation of the Big Seven (i.e. the Giffen/DeMatteis run) did so despite rather than because of the deviation from the Big Seven plus more formula, and they did have the advantage of Batman going for them (If you're only going to use one of the Seven, that's the one you want, especially around the early '90s).

The argument is often made that it's hard to tell League stories with these seven characters because so many of them have their own books, or, in Superman and Batman's cases, whole lines of books, and will thus not only remain static but, if they're to change/develop at all, it will be in those books, not JLoA. To that I say: “So what?” JLoA doesn't need to focus on the superheroes as characters, but rather on the interaction between them. There are a lot of books about Batman, and one about Wonder Woman, but this is the only book about the Batman and Wonder Woman's relationship to one another.

Now, I understand the line-up you'll be inheriting is devoid of three of the traditional Big Seven (again, the fact that this is DC's bestselling book is despite rather than because the variation of the formula; I don't think anyone believes Geo-Force, Roy Harper and Red Tornado are more popular than Flash, Aquaman and Martian Manhunter, and the current line-up still has the three biggest of the Big Seven on it). Ideally, you'll want to add the Flash, Aquaman and Martian Manhunter as soon as possible, but that might take a while. We don't know who the Flash will be (Wally's an immediate in; Bart and Barry might want to wait a bit), Aquaman's dead for the moment and Martian Manhunter is more unlikable in his current costume and characterization than he's ever been.

So that gives us the Big Seven Minus Three, meaning you can add at least three. Roy Harper is a must-keep, if only because Meltzer made such a big deal about it, changing his name and costume to get him there. Black Lightning is also a must-keep; some of us have been waiting forever to get him there and, again, he just joined. Hawkgirl and Vixen both seem like good candidates for sticking around, in part because they just re-upped; the former is more iconic, but the latter is more unique. Tough call.

As for trimming, no one would mind if Geo-Force decided he didn't want to stick around after all. Seriously, I can't think of a single person in Internetland who likes Geo-Force, or at least hasn't made fun of him repeatedly. (Here are some of my favorite jokes at Geo-Force's expense).

Red Tornado is similarly annoying, particularly as Meltzer has written him, although he has a larger fan base (that is, he has some fans). I could take or leave him, personally; if he sticks around, I do hope you'll find an interesting way to write him. The whole Pinocchio Syndrome Android-with-human-emotions-who-wishes-he-was-real plotline has been something pretty much anyone who's ever touched Red Tornado and Marvel’s Vision has hammered on over the last, what, 30 years now? That’s kind of…tired.

Black Canary has fans and certainly belongs in the League more than Geo-Force, but, at the same time, I don't think she brings much of anything to the team. If they need someone to beat someone up without using superpowers for some reason, they could just have Batman do it. He loves beating people up. Her upcoming nuptials will give her a good excuse to step down for a while too, or put herself on reserve status, or maybe just be like the Phantom Stranger, and just show up when she feels like it or is really needed.

Which is the advantage of a gigantic line-up. The more people on the League, the better, even if we don't see them all the time. For example, I love Steel and, in a DCU that operates on a sort of logic beyond "That Which the Person Writing Likes Is What Is," I don't know why he would have quit the League after Morrison’s “World War III” or why no one's asked him to rejoin. How many brilliant inventors and super-engineers who can also catch falling jetliners and knock giant robots' heads off with their big ass hammers are there in the talent pool? And while the Trinity are all scientists, I think the League needs a dedicated tech guy. I'd be happy to see Steel on the team, even if he's only there doing tech support, monitor duty and joining them for, like, one out of every fifteen fights. I think that's how a lot of fans feel; they want their favorites in the League, even if those favorites don’t actually star in every single issue.

So big rosters are great, and, barring that, a large number of official reservists who occasionally guest-star and/or just check in is definitely the next best thing.

Other add-ins to consider, beyond Aquaman, a Flash and J'onn? Well, obviously Plastic Man and Captain Marvel, once the Judd Winick experiment is scrapped and things get back to normal with him. I know those two superheroes belong among any gathering of The World's Greatest Heroes just as much as any of the Big Seven, you know they belong among any gathering of the World's Greatest Heroes just as much as any of the Big Seven, so why not finally officially make it so?

Oh hey, and the Green Lantern situation? Who should be the Green Lantern? It's Hal currently, which never made much sense to me. Though a founder, he was on the League less than Kyle and Guy. He was also evil for a long stint, so evil that he actually destroyed the universe temporarily, and even killed Batman temporarily before undoing all of creation (yeah, yeah a space bug did it; whatever) and he was a member of "The Power Pact" which was less than ethical (another strike against Canary, come to think of it), and his coming on seemed a little unnatural. I mean, they were just working with John, who was place-holding for Kyle, when Hal came in. Did they just fire John? Stop returning his calls? Was he so deep undercover as Hunger Dog that he couldn't join the new Meltzer-ized League? It should have been John, as we all know (Kyle's life seems even more complicated now then when he asked John to replace him, and the League needs a Lantern in it's line-up, not an, um, Ion…whatever that is exactly).

Of course, now the problem is that Hal's there, and they'd have to kick him out to make room for John. I'm not sure how to handle this, or how quickly it should happen, but I have faith that you'll find a smart, believable way to do it. John is currently the only book-less Lantern, and JLoA is the ideal place for him now. If Hal gets the monthly, Guy the Corps book and Kyle all the stupid Countdown spin-offs, then let's get John back in the League, huh?

Thanks for your time, and good luck.

Sincerely,
Caleb

P.S. Zauriel! Scott "Mister Miracle" Free! Steel! J'onn! Aquaman! Plastic Man! De-Winick-ified Captain Marvel! Moon Maiden! Janissary! Maybe even Cyborg!

The Spider-Man 4-6 Game Plan

According to yesterday’s Los Angeles Times, Spider-Man 3 made $373 million in worldwide ticket sales over the weekend, beating out both the previous domestic box office champ (Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest) and the previous worldwide box office champ (Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith).

I’m quite glad to hear it did so well, because that means there’s going to be another one. And hopefully, it will be another one directed and co-written by Sam Raimi* and starring Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst**. The first one is rumored to be in consideration for and/or considering doing a hobbit movie, Maguire was talking about leaving after the first film, and Dunst has said repeatedly over the years that she thinks three is plenty.

The money oughta change all three of their minds, though and, at the least, they could always take a longer break between films in the future. Because these three, along with J.K. Simmons and Dylan Baker, need to make at least three more movies.

Yes, three more.

Because, let’s face it, MJ and Peter are in a rough patch of their relationship right now, and I’d really, really like to see them get married and have a happy ending, rather than have Raimi switch MJ out for one of the other love interests. But, more importantly, how awesome would Spider-Man 6: The Sinister Six be?

Okay, so here’s the plan.

For Spider-Man 4, Baker finally becomes the Lizard. They’ve been teasing us for three films now, let’s finally make this happen, huh? Seeing that 3 made so much more dough than 1 or 2, I’m afraid that means we might see at least two villains per movie for the rest of the franchise, but I personally think it’s a mistake. Sure, more money was made here, but the last movie was a critical darling and a box office success. Isn’t having a gigantic pile of money that you can feel truly proud of earningworth giving up a few million worth of Vulture action figure sales for? (Mike Sterling says throw Kraven into the Spidey vs. Lizard mix; that would work, but I’d rather see a wedding and more Jonah and the Bugle staff than a big game hunter with a funny vest).

That will bring us to #5, and for that I propose one of two very lame villains—Mysterio or the Chameleon. Why would the movie want to bother with a special effects master-turned-master illusionist or a master of disguise? Simply because either of their powers would make for a neat movie, one that would allow former castmembers to return.

For example, imagine Chameleon played by Topher Grace, acting like Eddie Brock. Peter/Spidey knows he’s dead, but look—there he is! Or ditto James Franco’s Harry, who Peter also knows is dead. Chameleon could pretend to be Eddie, Harry, Norman Osborne, Uncle Ben, Aunt May, MJ, Otto Octavius—any character who has previously appeared, played by any of those actors, so a lot of the great actors who have been killed off could be involved in another film, and players like Rosemary Harris or Dunst could get a little more to do—like fight Spider-Man. Brilliant, no? (My email address is up in the right-hand corner if you want to talk more about this later, Mr. Raimi).

And that brings us to movie #6, the perfect film to close the franchise out on (not counting the J. Jonah Jameson trilogy, which has to happen, of course).

And who would make for a better villain for a sixth Spider-Man than the Sinister Six?

Of the original line-up, we’ve only seen two appear in the movies, and one of those has died. It would be cool to team-up the surviving villains of the first five movies for the blow-out sixth one, with new characters to fill out the roster. Or simply return one or two, and introduce the rest of the Spidey villains Raimi really, really wants to do, particularly the ones like Electro and Rhino who are basically just thugs, and thus don’t need the rich back story that Doctor Octopus got or The Lizard almost certainly will get.

I’d propose Mysterio, the Vulture, the Scorpion, the Rhino, Electro and the Sandman. Or, if we’re going for a greatest hits theme from the other films, Sandman, Venom (um, Brock bonded with the symbiote, and enough of it survived the explosion to reconstitute itself?), the Lizard, Mysterio or The Chameleon (whoever you put in five) and introducing Electro and the Scorpion.

If I were in charge of this franchise, I’d generally steer clear of ever using the Black Cat, whom I think will seem too derivative of Catwoman when it comes to cat-themed, live action super-vigilante types, Kraven the Hunter (whom is a cool Spidey villain, but not as filmic a one as…every other Spidey villain, and the whole, “I hunt the most dangerous prey of all” thing has already been in seven million movies), Morbius (We’ve seen enough vampires in films, thanks) and Man-Wolf (ditto for werewolves), even though that last one would give us a nice Jameson-centric plot, giving Simmons more to do that his wonderful gruff editor schtick and set up a nice conflict for Dunst's MJ ("Oh no, my former fiance has superpowers and is fighting my current super-powered fiance!").

Of course, the bad news about Spider-Man 3 doing as well as it did is the exact same as the good news—it means that they’ll be making another one no matter what, even if Raimi, Maguire and Dunst all decide to work on projects that don’t involve Raimi having to spend much time with Avi Arad, Tobey Maguire helping teach kids about spiders, or Dunst having to do a press junket that involves Comicbookresources.com.

There aren’t that many superhero franchises that have reached the point of three films before—just the first cycles of the Batman and Superman franchises, and X-Men—but it seems to me that they’ll keep doing them until they get so bad they don’t make a lot of money, which means all franchises have to end on a down note (Superman IV: The Quest For Peace and Batman and Robin…I didn’t think X-Men: The Last Stand was much worse than the previous two, but I know the conventional wisdom is that it blew).

So, worst case scenario, maybe Sony will rush out a sans-Raimi Spider-Man 4 featuring Carnage and the Hobgoblin, directed by Uwe Boll.



*But bring that Michael Chabon guy back to help out with the script, huh?

**I realize with the introduction of Gwen Stacy, and the possibility of introducing Felica Hardy somewhere down the line, Mary Jane is probably the least important of these three, but dammit, I really like what Raimi’s done with the MJ/Peter relationship and I really like Dunst, and would rather see a Spider-Man movie with her than without her in it.

Dear Marvel,

So I see you guys are starting to get interested in doing inter-company crossovers again. That's cool. Some of the awesome-est comics I've ever read have been inter-company crossovers.

What I don't get is why are you devoting yourself to stuff like this, and continuing to ignore the inter-company crossover that's been begging to be made for over 20 years now:



Without doing any research at all, I think it's safe to say that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are a more successful property, in terms of generating dollars, than any that Marvel owns, excepting maybe Spider-Man. In terms of name recognition and all-around Q-rating, the X-Men and Spidey are probably the only properties you own that rival the much, much younger Turtles characters.

I would think that you’d be champing and/or chomping at the bit to do a crossover between one of your properties and the turtles, and that you would have wanted it in comic shop shelves this month, when the movie dropped and the mediascape was temporarily inundated with free advertising for such an endeavor.

And from a storytelling point of view, it's just so damn easy. Easier than JLA/Avengers, and certainly far, far easier than this Spidey/Red Sonja business or New Avengers/Transformers (Which I’m still trying to get my head around, honestly), and, yes, even easier than every single one of the DC/Marvel crossovers of the '90s (By the way, who greenlighted those damn things? I absolutely loathed every single one of them I read).

I mean, Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird wrote their characters’ origin story right around Daredevil's. Look at that panel above; there's Matt freaking Murdock, front and center.

The turtles’ ninja enemies were the Foot Clan, named after Daredevil's enemy ninja clan the Hand. Their sensei was Splinter, named after Daredevil's sensei Stick. How hard is it to extrapolate a relationship between these characters? The thing writes itself.

Now, you guys have missed the opportune time to realease such a crossover, but don’t worry. I think a sequel to this weekends TMNT movie is pretty much guaranteed, so try to get your Daredevil/Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles book ready by then, huh?

And let’s do it right, while we’re at it, huh? These things are supposed to be historic because, honestly, how often do the turtles get to hang out with Daredevil? So let’s approach this as if it were that Daredevil/Batman project Brian Michael Bendis was whining about at a convention a few weeks ago.

Let’s get your top Daredevil writers involved; either BMB or Ed Brubaker, maybe working in conjunction with Peter Laird, who’s been writing the latest volume of turtles comics at Mirage. (And if Bendis and Bru are too busy, put Dan Slott or Jeff Parker on it, because they are both very, very, very, very good writers).

As for pencil art, it would pretty much have to be John Romita Jr.* Not only is he your best guy, but he’s also the highest profile Daredevil artist who’s still able to do monthly comics and whom we know has the chops to draw massive ninja battles.

For inks, you could get either Laird himself or long-time Mirage ink-slinger Eric Talbot.

But we’ll want more than one art team because, if this is going to be treated as the historic event it is, then we’ll want to see every great DD and TMNT artist still working to contribute something—a few pages of flashback here, a few pages of flashback there.

So you’ll want to get Laird, Talbot, Jim Lawson, Michael Zulli, Michael Dooney, Rick Veitch, Michael Lark, Alex Maleev, David Mack, Tim Sale and Bendis himself to all draw something. Joe Quesada is a busy man, as is Frank Miller (who may consider himself above such a thing, anyway), and Kevin Eastman has distanced himself from his creations, but none of that should let them off the hook completely—you’ll just have to settle for covers from them.

Did I say covers, plural? Yes. Because one of the problems with crossovers like Batman/Spider-Man is that there’s just not enough to them. Joker and Carnage team-up and Batman and Spider-Man team-up to stop ‘em…okay, that’s an issue of The Brave and the Bold or Marvel Team-Up, it’s not a world-shaking tale involving two huge characters who have never met before and may never meet again, dig?

So this project should be a sizable one, big enough to get everything anyone would ever want to see in a Daredevil/Ninja Turtles crossover into. Maybe a six-issue long series, but, better yet, a twelve-issue series. You’ve got a lot of ground to cover.

You’ve got to invent this back story about an ancient ninja clan that, long ago, diverged into masters of two different but related fighting styles, and, as the generations passed, became deadly rivals—The Hand and The Foot.

You’ve got to explain how Stick gave his friend Yoshi a pet rat as a gift, and how Yoshi named him “Splinter” after him.

You’ve got to have a war between the Hand and the Foot in NYC, with DD and the TMNT caught in the middle.

You have to have the Hand use their resurrecting magic to bring the Shredder back to life (after his death in TMNT #1), to serve them as their ultimate weapon against the Foot.

You have to have Elektra and Raphael in a sai fight.

You need to work in as many DD villains as you can, particularly the Hand, the Kingpin, Bullseye and Elektra, but why stop there? Why not throw The Punisher, the Purple Man, the Owl and, hell, Stilt-Man in there too.

You need to have Casey Jones beat up D-Man, and Daredevil beat up Casey. You need an offhand reference to Radical on the Avengers. And then, of course, you need to deal with the fact that the same accident involving the same canister created both Daredevil and the turtles.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. Now get to work on it.

Sincerely,
Caleb


*Did I mention that I read John Romita Jr. 30th Anniversary Special? Because I did.