Briefly on The Atom's glasses and Ohio's Avenger (plus a few links)

I reluctantly started wearing glasses around the time I turned 30, when I finally realized that my eyesight was getting bad. It was a pretty big adjustment, and it took me a long while to get used to the way I looked in them (on the positive side, I feel they made me a lot easier to draw). It also took some getting used to the fact that I had to keep track of them at all times and that, once you take them off and absently set them somewhere, they could be really, really hard to find, given that you need to be wearing them to successfully accomplish many eye-related activities, like, say, looking for your glasses.

That said, I never considered getting Lasik or any kind of eye surgery, because Jesus, shooting lasers into your eyes? Contacts were also out, because the idea of touching my eyeballs a few times a day seemed incredibly unappealing to me.

You know what else sounds unappealing to me? Using cutting-edge, experimental technology in order to shrink down to a few inches high, or even down to a microscopic level, and having extremely dangerous adventures. In fact, I would get contacts or even have a doctor should me directly in the eye with a laser beam in order to burn it in such a way to improve my vision than shrink.

What I'm trying to here is I just can't figure out why The Atom Ryan Choi is wearing glasses on that cover. What if he loses his glasses when he's fighting a bug or an amoeba? Can you imagine how hard it will be to find your glasses if you need a microscope (in addition to your glasses), in order to see them? If you're going to be a shrinking super-hero and you don't have 20/20 vision, for God's sake, you gotta get contacts or have surgery!

Now, you may be looking at that picture above and thinking, "But Caleb, he's wearing his glasses under his dumb-looking astronaut helmet, which they are apparently making him wear because Bryan Routh wears a similar dumb-looking get-up on the CW shows, so even though the Silver Age Atom costume is one of, like, three perfect superhero costumes, he has to wear that for corporate synergy, wait what was I talking about? Oh yeah! He's wearing his glasses under his mask, so if they fall off, they will at least be contained within his helmet."

To which I would respond, "Wow, you talk just like I write! Oh, and also, how annoying would that be if you were fighting a bug or an amoeba and your glasses fell off and then they were rattling around your helmet? You'd have to open your face plate up and stick your hand in to put them back on your face and by that time you could be bug or amoeba food!"

Anyway, I hate that costume. And as much as I like The Atom Ray Palmer and The Atom Ryan Choi, The New 52 all but destroyed those guys. I mean, can you make sense of The Atom history now? (Remember, his Earth-3 doppelganger existed before him and was on the Justice League and OH MY GOD I JUST REMEMBERED FUTURES END!)

Hey, remember in 2013 when DC launched a new Justice League of America "ongoing" monthly series (that they canceled after 14 issues, consisting entirely of a "Trinity War" lead-in story, a few chapters of a "Trinity War" crossover story and a Forever Evil tie-in story)...? Remember they had some 50-ish variant covers, in which a handful of these new Justice Leaguers were depicted raising a flag, -style on the cover, and there was a different cover for each of the 50 state flags?

Man, that was dumb.*

Marvel made fun of DC at the time, publishing a Deadpool variant cover featuring all 50 state birds...and a lot of bird poop.

Well now a few years later, Marvel is launching a new Avengers book entitled U.S.Avengers, for which they are publishing over 50 variant covers, 50 of them being state-specific images featuring an Avenger character over a background including an image of the state.

Ohio got Black Knight. Why? I don't know. I asked my local comics shop, and was informed they are, for the most part, completely random. Which, of course, they would almost half to be, as, what, 95% of the Marvel superheroes you can think of are based either in New York City or some fictional setting, like Atlantis or Wakanda or wherever?

There are a few that certainly make sense, of course, like Ms. Marvel repping New Jersey, or the current Ant-Man getting Florida. Some heroes are attached to states that make some historical sense, like, say, Thor (Odinson flavor) on an Okalahoma cover, and I don't know who is on the cover for California, but Daredevil, or Iron Man or Lady Hawkguy or any of the West Coast Avengers or Champions would work.

But man, imagine how deep they would have to dig to match an Avenger--or just a superhero of any kind--to a every single state.

I'm a little disappointed they didn't do that digging though; I remember being pretty bummed out after (the first) Civil War ended and Tony Stark unveiled his "Fifty State Initiative" in which every single state was said to have been assigned its own team of Avengers, and we never, ever got to see what the make-up of many of those teams actually was. Like, I really wanted to know who was on The Ohio Avengers, and never found out.

Anyway, giving us The (a?) Black Knight at random is pretty weak. Why not Howard The Duck, who was a long-time Clevelander? Or that new Inhuman character Ulysses from (the second) Civil War, who I understand was going to school at Ohio State Universeity when he became...Inhumanized...? Or...wait, that's all I can think of. Ohio has an entry in Marvel's own wikia, but it doesn't really mention any heroes who live here or were born here. Maybe a Great Lakes Avenger?

As long as I'm just typing a few random bits of nonsense, here are links to some comics I reviewed elsewhere recently: Steven Weissman's Looking For America's Dog, Box Brown's Tetris and Mariko Tamaki, Joelle Jones and Sandu Florea's Supergirl: Being Super.



*Not that I didn't buy the Ohio state flag variant though, because of course I did.

"Hey Batman, have you seen The Atom anywhere? We were--Seven Hells!"

The Worst Shrinking Superhero

It’s easy to see the appeal of a superpower like growing larger. It taps into children’s desire to grow up and gain more control over their own lives and their own destiny about as directly and visually as possible. When you’re a kid, you equate power with size, so seeing a surrogate character able to grow bigger than your older siblings, your classmates, your bullies, your parents, your teachers, and, of course, even his or her villains and the biggest monsters you can imagine, well, that’s pretty cool.

But growing smaller? What kind of cockamamie superpower is that?

Well, it’s actually a pretty common one, as lame as it is. And while each and every shrinky superhero has some understandable popularity problems, one stands head and shoulders above–er, below all others in his lameness, and he’s the subject of tonight’s post.

No, I’m not talking about Doll Man, a character I actually like a lot, despite never actually having read any of his original adventures. I mean, sure, his name is “Doll Man” and his costume resembles what Superman’s might have looked like if Superman were a little pixie more likely to help a cobbler finish up that last order of shoes than punch our a giant robot, but he came from a simpler, more innocent time (1939), when dressing funny and having a funny name was more a badge of honor than a black mark for a superhero. Besides, have you seen any images of Golden Age Doll Man? They’re really well drawn (Lou Fine, I think). (For a weekly dose of Doll Man, check out the arflovers.com blog, where every Monday is Doll Man Monday).

Nor am I talking about The Atom, who might have stolen the shrinking schtick and color scheme from Doll Man, but boasted one of the best of all Silver Age costumes, the ability to take shrinking to a whole new (smaller) level, taking it to the extreme furthest extremes. He also boasted a nerdy/cool secret identity of a college physicist that allowed his adventures to take on the sort of science fact-fueled fun that punctuated DC Comics of the era like The Flash, Metamorpho and Metal Men, and had a long life as a supporting player in the pages of Justice League comics. Also, he was always getting tied to grenades or stuck in light bulbs or finding himself in some similarly deadly but visually interesting predicament (Often drawn by Gil Kane, which sure goes a long way).

Nor am I talking about Ant-Man, who has one of the most complicated fictional histories of any superhero (although when he was still just plain old Ant-Man, it wasn't quite so complicated yet) and one of the ugliest of the pre-‘70s Marvel costumes (although he kept the red and blue color scheme which seems to be mandatory for shrinking superheroes). Despite these deficiencies, Hank Pym has the benefit of an unusual side power (he can control ants!) and a long, successful-(ish) history The Avengers and Marvel Universe in general. Plus that wacky helmet gives him a unique (although not all that ant-like) look, and an usual mode of conveyance—flying ants that don't really look much like ants at all.

No, I’m talking about Tinyman.

Yes, Tinyman.

Debuting in 1966, years after both The Atom and Ant-Man, Tinyman’s power was the ability to become tiny. Not doll-sized, nor ant-sized nor atom-sized, just, you know, tiny. He was one of the super-characters from MF Enterprises, starting out as a villain in the other other Captain Marvel’s comic.


That’s him in the upper right hand corner. The tiny one with the “giant ray gun.” (Does it shoot a giant ray? Does it shoot a ray that turns people into giants? Or is it just giant compared to him because he’s, um, tiny?).

His costume’s not so bad. I mean, it’s not good or anything, certainly the worst of the shrinky heroes mentioned, but much better than the rest of the Marvel rogues around him (Check out “Dr. Fate” there). He definitely has a decent, individual look. I particularly like his lack of mask and his reverse skunk hairstyle.

But still, his name is Tinyman. When your codename makes “Ant-Man” and “Doll Man” sound like cool codenames, you’ve got problems.

Jack Baker’s ability to shrink didn’t have a comic book science explanation, like experimental chemicals, or white dwarf star radiation or Pym particles, he could simply will himself to become tiny, although he retained the strength of a full-sized man, his street clothes disappearing in the process.

Baker’s crime career was pretty short (Ha ha! Short! Get it?), and the other other Captain Marvel tossed him in the clink. Perhaps realizing that shrinking-themed supervillains are even lamer than shrinking-themed heroes (I’m looking at you, Wonder Woman rogue Mouse Man), he turned his life around, not only becoming a good guy, but eventually becoming a district attorney.


Soon he was fighting alongside his former foe against his former foe’s foes, like The Ray (Who looks suspiciously like another other other Captain Marvel villain, The Bat).

Of course, that career was pretty short too, as Tinyman quickly disappeared into comic book obscurity.

Probably because his name is Tinyman.

Satellite Era Spotlight: Justice League of America #156

Justice League of America #156 (1978); "The Fiend With Five Faces," by Gerry Conway, Dick Dillin and Frank McLaughlin

Dateline: Honolulu, Hawaii

An exhasted, weakened Aquaman stumbles out of the ocean and heads for downtown Honolulu. He hails a cab, and takes it to The Bristol Building.



Hey, have you ever wondered what movie star Aquaman looks like?


Wow.

We never learn why the cabbie continues to assume the soaking wet guy wearing Aquman's costume and talking about teleporters and the Justice League is Steve McQueen, nor do we learn why Aquaman volunteered the location of a secret teleporter tube to this total stranger, or why the Justice League didn't put one of them in Atlantis or the ol' Aquacave. No time for any of that, because there's an emergency brewing.

Once on the satellite headquarters of the JLoA, Aquaman asks Ralph Dibny to summon the other Leaguers. The call goes out, finding many of the other heroes right in the middle of somethin.

Black Canary, for example, is in Star City, battling The Boxer Bandits…



…and her mortal enemy, math:



Ray "The Atom" Palmer, meanwhile, is hanging out in a park with his finacee, Jean Loring, with quite a lot on his mind:


Uh, yes. If you’re going to marry someone, you should probably let them know pretty much everything about you. Or, at the very least, the broad strokes. Like whether you have any superpowers, for example, or have a costumed alter ego and have to attend meetings in orbiting space satellites once a week.

The only Leaguers who are unaccounted for are Flash and Green Lantern, who are busy investigating some weird plant growth, and find an even weirder culprit behind it—


Yikes! Dude, if you’re going to wear a leaf loincloth to cover yourself, you might want to avoid standing in the treetops and talking to people who are below you like that.

He gets the drop on them both using his crazy plant powers, capturing them both in vines.

Meanwhile, the Joker tries to steal a painting, seeking to distract the guards with clowns and Hostess Fruit Pies, but he apparently took his sweet time stealing the painting, as they had time to enjoy the real fruit filling and the light, tender crust and catch up to him.



Now, couple things here. First, this story seems to deviate from the pattern of all other scenes of DC supervillains being undone by Hostess Fruit Pies. See, usually the pies distract the villains from their perfidy with their real fruit filling and light, tender crust. But here, the Joker uses the pies on the crowds and police to distract them while he commits a crime, right? But the pies obviously don't really work, because the cops still catch him. Did he just take his sweet time stealing the painting? Did he overestimate how long it would take the cops to eat Hostess Fruit Pies and continue with their patrol of the museum? Or was it all part of his plan, all along? Were those pies all fille not with real fruit filling, but deadly Joker venom? I assume we'll return to the subplot later.

The other thing worth noting is that the last panel in this scene contradicts clearly established continuity regarding the Joker's feelings about Hostess Fruit Pies. In JLoA #147 he flatly turned down an offer of delicious Hostess Fruit Pies, thus revealing himself to be insane and thus, in all likelihood, the Joker. So which is it DC—does the Joker like delicious Hostess Fruit Pies or does he not like delicious Hostess Fruit Pies?

Anyway, back to the Justice League. Once assembled around the table, Aquaman relates his tale. It seems he was swimming along, minding his own business, when a volcanic island with a crazy living statue atop of it straight up rose out of the sea


The statue focused its ten pairs of eyes on him and unleashed a volley of eye beams. There was a flash of light and a thunderous "Zzzzzarom!" and then he lost consciousness. He lay on the ocean floor for two weeks, tended to by his sea subjects, who were responding to subconscious commands to keep him alive.

I don’t know if that’s cute or gross. Maybe a little of both.

When he awoke, he swam straight to the nearest teleporter tube, conveniently placed on top of a very tall building on land, and went to alert the League of the powerful five-faced fiend he had encountered.

Suddenly NATO calls and is all like, “Justice League! Halp! Some of our guys are fighting some Warsaw Pact guys, and we’re using ancient weapons and they’re using super-futuristic spaceships and lasers! You’ve gotta help us sort out this temporal crisis, or at least switch it so our guys have the good stuff!”

Recognizing some kind of time anamoly and/or magic hoodoo, the League responds to these multiple threats by doing what it does best—splitting into smaller teams!

This shit is so serious that The Phantom Stranger, who was then a member of the team whenever he felt like it, finally decided to deign the other Leaguers with his presence.


He joined Batman, Red Tornado and The Atom to investigate the island that Aquaman told them about. On the way, Phantom Stranger shows off his super wing-walking powers.

Once they arrive, Batman warns Red Tornado to stick with the others,


but the android is intent on setting destiny up for a punchline: “No way could a column ever collapse on me while my back was turned!”

Inside the temple, the heroes encounter some sort of intangible guardian demon, which the Atom takes care of by punching its molecules. How does taht work? I don't know, but he says it's simply physics, and since he's a physics teacher and I'm not, I'm in no position to challenge him.

On another front, The Elongated Man, Black Canary and Superman have traveled to Eastern Europe, and just as they arrive, Supes’ acid really starts to kicks in…


Sure dude. A black unicorn. Whatever.

Oh no wait, no there really is a black unicorn! And astride it is a dude who appears to be Gehngis Khan wearing a power-suit designed by Jack Kirby. He says his name “may be Ku, War-God of Ancient Oceania,” and using his magic sword, he kicks the crap out of Superman! Ssshham!

Meanwhile, the other two Leaguers encounter another, even weirder-looking guy—

Canary’s flesh crawls at the mere sight of his costume. And considering the fact that she looks at Red Tornado's costume every single day, that's really saying something.

This strange figure is Rongo, Jester of Oceania, one of five gods of that ancient civilization who was trapped in the five-faced statue, as he exposits to Canary:

Tangora the Wise, the guy who looks a little like Oliver Queesn, is the one who imprisoned them in the statue, and he himself is currently imprisoned in the temple while the other four run amok. Or other three, anyway. I'm not sure where Mauri the Love-Goddess is at.

Meanwhile, Superman uses his super-brain to outwit and defeat Ku, the Stranger uses his magic to free Tangora, Hal Jordan outwints Tane the Nature-God (no, seriously!).

But what of Rongo, well, Black Canary uses her feminine wiles to seduce him and, then, when he's guard's down, to hit him at point blank range in the face with her sonic blast:

Dirty pool, Canary, dirty pool.

Freed by the Stranger, the head god puts them all back in their temple and sinks the island.

Back on the satellite, Ray realizes that this adventure wasn’t just about Earth being jeopardized by ancient gods, it was really all about him:

When he asks his fellow Leaguers whether he should keep such a big, huge important secret like his being The Atom from his wife or not, they all say different things.

Batman advises keeping it secret…because if there’s one thing Batman knows, it’s how to sustain a relationship. Flash tried going the whole lying-to-his-own-wife route, but ended up telling her in his sleep. Hal says to go ahead and tell her: “Trust Jean! She may be the only person you ever can trust completely," he says.

Adding, “Hell, don’t just tell her your identity, tell her all of ours too! And the identity of Batman’s current sidekick, and the identities of any and all future sidekicks he might someday have! What harm could possibly ever come of it?”

What does Ralph Dibny have to say of the matter?

Oh really Steve McQu—I mean, Aquaman. You don't think Ralph would have it any other way? Well, let's check back with him in 27 years or so, huh?

So what's it going to be, Ray?

Aw man, this issue leaves us hanging. It's to be continued in “’Till Doom Do Us Part,” the next issue, which I don’t have.

Well, whatever happened, I’m sure the Palmers ended up living happily ever after…

THE ATOM

likes Dippin' Dots.







And so does Blue Jay.

Satellite Era Spotlight: Justice League of America #142

Current Justice League writer Brad Meltzer and current writer of one-third of all DC books Geoff Johns have made it pretty obvious that they absolutely adore the Satellite Era of Justice League history, that time in the seventies and early eighties when the World's Greatest Heroes all hung out in a clubhouse 22,3000 miles above the planet earth, going over their charter, having meetings and electing chairpeople.

For those of us on the other side of 35, it can be hard to understand what was so great about red-and-black costume Elongated Manor why today's JLoA should resemble that era more closely than the Giffen/DeMatteis JLI Era or Grant Morrison Watchtower Era. In an effort to better understand the greatness of the Satellite Era, EDILW is going to spend some quality time with all of the JLoA comics of the preriod we could get our hands on—um, about a half-dozen a friend's boyfriend wanted to clean out of his closet—which leads into our newest feature: "Satellite Era Spotlight."

Up first, 1977's Justice League of America #142, "Return From Forever!", by Steve Englehart, Dick Dillin and Frank McLaughlin.



Dateline: The Atlantic Ocean, 80 miles off the coast of Georgia.

Aquaman has invited Elongated Man and The Atom to hangout and relax with him. The Atom’s awfully grumpy, about his superhero career…and his powers.



Yeah, Aquaman. It sure would suck to be like Batman or Green Arrow. Whichh reminds me, how are sales on your monthly going? Oh, what's that? You've been killed off and replaced in your own title?

Suddenly, they spot two dog-fighting space ships, and when one downs the other, Aquaman goes to investiage, and finds a telepathic alien by the name of Willow there.



“A woman--!” he exclaims. Oh yeah? What were your first two clues, Atlantean Ace?

It turns out that the other ship was piloted by a minion of The Construct, and the woman named Willow urges the heroes to take her to Atlantis, since the Construct rules the airwaves. They comply; meanwhile the ‘struct tells his origin to the minion that shot Willow down, apparently as punishment for his failure to finish her off. (I'm not sure what we did to deserve such a punishing amount of exposition).





In Atlantis, Aquaman greets then-king Vulko, who’s clearly in the best shape of his life at the moment.





But the (rather stupid-looking) Construct can find them even in Atlantis, and demands they give up the girl. Aquaman tells him where to go, and the Construct is surprised at the language. Is that really a strong epithet for an Atlantean? Actually, is that even an epithet? I don't think it qualifies, since he didn't actually call the Construct a name, but hurled a rude imperative sentence at him.




Willow breaks them up into groups, requesting the Atom act as her bodyguard. Aquaman’s a little surprised…and Atom's Napoleon complex kicks in.

(This isn't actually all that out of character for the Atom. He has quite a big chip on his tiny little shoulder. For example, his first impulse upon meeting a new recruit to the League is to stab them in the eye with a pencil.)




Say what Ralph? Aquaman, are you going to let that stand?




Attacked by the Construct's henchmen known as "Cannons," Willow reveals herself as “a Mistress of the Martial Arts,” which further hurts Ray’s feelings of inferiority. “I thought I was supposed to be protecting you, but t seems I was wrong! You chose me to go with you because you don’t need any protection!”

Meanwhile in Miami, Aquaman and Elongated Man find the city threatened by a death ray-emitting device, called the “Thanatron.” To deactivate it, Elongated man must first survive a barrage of strange sound effects…





Meanwhile, on the Justice League Satellite, Superman brags about his stamina, tells the others to sit this one out and rest up their poor little human bodies and even gives Wonder Woman a backhanded compliment:






Then Green Arrow calls him aside to talk about Wonder Woman:






Worried about this internal strife, Superman thinks about what it may mean for the future of the League as he and Wonder Woman speed toward Earth:



Well, perhaps you could quit being such a dick. Bossing her around, giving her the patronizing "Yeah, but you get to sit down" speech...


I really like this panel, where those sensitive souls Superman and Oliver Queen try to figure out what's wrong with Wonder Woman these days:



Supes' first thought is that it must be man trouble. I guess that's better than saying what surely must be his second thought, if that was his first: "Perhaps it's just her time of the month, G.A.! She'll be okay in a few days, I'm sure." And Green Arrow's just like, "Whatever; I think she' s just a total bitch." (The word "witch" being comic book code for "bitch." )


Meanwhile again, Willow and the Atom get attacked by the Construct himself, who has beamed his mind into the island they're on, building himself a body "composed of metallic ores rather than machine parts!".

The Atom simply shrinks to the size of a real Atom, too small for the Construct to attack him mentally, and jumps into his body. Inside the Construct's new body, he suddenly grows, which destroys the Construct for some reason:




“Bar-soom?” Isn’t that the name of a Star Wars character or planet? No, I’m not joking. Seriously. Doesn’t that sound familiar?

Anyway, it all ends happily, with the Atom getting over his short man's complex and scoring a kiss from Willow:



Eww. I don't know what it is exactly, but something about that image just grosses me the hell out. Trying to see it from Willow's perspective, kissing a tiny little member of the opposite sex—no matter how sexy—seems a little gross, as I'd be afraid to kiss their frail little head right off. And from the Atom's perspective, can you imagine those gigantic lips, as wide across as your own shoulders, wrapping themselves around your skull and coating your mask in a layer of saliva? Bleah!

The end.

Next up: The incredibly topical JLoA #147

Nobody Likes Captain Marvel

Seriously. Women are literally lining up to kiss Superman, and poor Captain Marvel is just standing there in the middle of all these joyous reunions between heroes and their loved ones, his arms folded, trying to look aloof, but you know he's hurting on the inside.

My second favorite part of this panel?
Jean Loring snuggling her tiny little lover Ray Palmer to her face. They sure make a cute couple. I wonder whatever happened to those crazy kids?