Not at all liveblogging Batman: The Brave and the Bold

If I had cable, I would totally liveblog Batman: The Brave and The Bold, which is probably the best show on television. Even better than 90210 and Dancing With The Stars, and I didn’t even think such a thingn was possible. But I don’t have cable. So I watch it o Cartoonnetwork.com a couple days later. So I guess this is, like, a delayed liveblogging of the latest episode…? I don’t know what you call it exactly. Anyway, I watched it, and typed some things while I did. And these are those things, if you’re interested…


—What’s this crazy flying house in Dr. Strange Land? Oh, the Library of Infinity, the flying guy in a cape announces helpfully. I hope he identifies himself in a similar fashion.

—He does. It’s Wotan.

—A glowing ankh means…sweet, Dr. Fate! He’s talking with an echo-y British voice. Kinda like the Justice League Unlimited version.

—I still sometimes have a hard time believing we live in a world where you can watch animated Dr. Fate on the TV.

—Where does Batman keep grenades the size of his fists?

—Holy shit, his utility belt also functions as a scabbard for some kinda crazy blue light saber? That is awesome. Have I said awesome too much already? I’m trying to mix it up, with some “sweet”s…..

—I’d say that the whole Escher stairs thing is totally played out now, but I’ve gotta admit, it still looks cool when people run around and get in magic swordfights in such a setting…

—Batman just destroys the fuck out of some magic fire guys, but it’s not actually killing if they’re made out of fire.

—Dr. Fate loses a magic-off against and then just lays out Wotan with a quartet of punches in the face. The message is supposedly that it’s not the tools, toys or equipment that makes the difference, but the person using them (Bats says something along the lines of “It’s not the helmet, it’s the man under it”). But I think the real takeaway here is that sometimes brute force and the application of violence will solve problems that special skills and knowledge can’t.

—And the show hasn’t even started yet! Now the title sequence begins. God I love this show.

—This episode is entitled “The Eyes of Despero.” I wonder who the villain will be?

—Comics writer J. M. DeMatteis wrote it this episode.

—Hey look Green Lantern fans, it’s the GL Corps! There’s your boyriend Hal Jordan, plus Kilowog, Tomar-Re the lizard chicken man, the cycloptic space cucumber with tentacles, the crystal guy who looks like a 20-sided die and has a Mohawk, the guy who’s just a big head with limbs growing out of it…

—“So this is the legendary Green Lantern Corps,” Despero says in a very goo villain-y voice. Shameful confession: I always pronounce “Corps” as corpse in my head while reading it, rather than core.

—What the fuck? Despero has eyes on his palms too? Now that’s just gross.

—More GLC cameos! Ch’pp! (sp?) Salaak! (sp?) Hal’s underage girlfriend! (Maybe. She’s wearing a GL costume instead of the white mini-dress from the comics)

—Meanwhile, on Earth, The Cavalier! That dude doesn’t get the panel-time he deserves in the comics. If I wrote comics for DC, I would have totally pitched a Club of Heroes book spinning out of “Batman R.I.P.” The second or third arc would have been a two-part Cavalier vs. Musketeer story.

—Ah ha, no more of that Hal Jordan bullshit, it looks like this episodes GL will be…Guy Gardner! And G’Nort?!

—The vocal work on Guy Gardner is just perfect. Just the right amount of annoying obnoxiousness.

—Huh. I always pronounced G’Nort guh-nort, but apparently the G and the apostrophe are both silent. I’m learning a bunch about pronunciation in this episode.

—I really like when Batman wears different costumes for different occasions, like this will-fueled Green Latern power suit the GLs whip up for them.

—I don’t care for Sinestro’s moustache in t his. It’s a little too sparse; I like it best when it’s either a John Waters, pencil-thin sort of affair, or a long, whip-like Snidely Whiplash sort of affair.

—G’Nort looks like he has the most comfortable of all the GL uniforms.

—Mogo? Really? Man, have DC and Time Warner ever gotten a lot of mileage out of that one throwaway Alan Moore story from 250 years ago…

—Oh no, it’s Tomar Re’s world! That egg-stroller that one of the space chicken lizard ladies is pushing looks familiar…wasn’t that on an episode of Superman and the Legion of Super-Heroes….?

—“One punch!” Oh, DeMatteis, you scamp!

—Woah, Mogo’s fighting Guy “hand-to-hand”…using a mountain!

—Nice to see these GL’s making giant, green glowing objects to fight with. It seems like on Justice League/JLU John Stewart was always just doing boring things like laser beams and bubbles, rather than giant hammers and baseball bats and the like.

—Ha ha, Guy bites! Of course he bites!

—I like the fact that Batman’s version of telepathic combat involves head butts.

So I understand the Obamas are looking for a new dog...

Provided they don't have their hearts set on one that's both three-dimensional and, what's the word, real, then I might have a few suggestions...


Krypto The Superdog

Breed: Kryptonian

Current owner: Superman

Positives: Has all of Superman's many powers, only scaled to dog proportions, making him an ideal guard dog, watch dog, bloodhound and, should the need arise, attack dog.

Negatives: Would be difficult for human owners or handlers to take him for flies into outer space for exercise, or throw trees for him to fetch; could render the president's secret service detail superfluous, costing hundreds of them their jobs



Ace, The Bat-Hound

Breed: German shepherd

Current owner: Batman (estranged)

Positives: Batman would likely be willing to give Ace up, given how the Dark Knight tends to be ashamed of his occasional canine sidekick and is constantly trying to distance himself; an experienced tracker, Ace could help find people when the president can't (Look out, bin Laden!)

Negatives: Previous owner was kind of insane, so Ace might have a difficult time adjusting to living with a normal family that never wears capes or assaults anyone; background check could compromise Ace's secret identity, and thus that of Batman



Rex, The Wonder Dog

Breed: German Shepherd

Current owner: A national treasure, Rex is owned by us all

Posiitves: A superb polymath and jack-of-all-trades, Rex's skill set and resume are unparalleled by any dog in history (and, come to think of it, few humans); in addition to being an excellent guard dog, he could easily fill in as a nanny for the girls, a secret service agent, White House chief of staff, Secretary of State, Vice President, or whatever Obama needs, really

Negatives: It might not do to have the First Dog showing up the president of the United States, and the fact that Rex would likely crush the back of al Qaeda, capture bin Laden, turn the economy around, solve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, and invent a new source of cheap green energy within his first 100 days pretty much guarantees he'll be making Obama seem incompetent in comparison.



G'Nort Esplanade G'neesmacher

Breed: G'Newtian

Current owners: The Guardians of the Galaxy

Positives: As a biped that can speak English and has opposable thumbs, G'Nort needs little in the way of care, and could be more useful than most first pets tend to be(he could feed himself, reach things on high shelves for the girls, etc.); his magic wishing ring is sometimes referred to as the "most powerful weapon in the universe" and can create any form of energy and matter in any amount, so long as he has the necessary willpower and imagination

Negatives: Past unsavory personal connections include Guy Gardner, The Scarlet Skier and Justice League Antarctica; allegiance to an immortal race of remote, controlling aliens may present the appearance of a conflict of interest; less intelligent than most species of earth dogs; a little of him goes a long way



Lockjaw

Breed: Attilanian giant bulldog

Current owner: The Inhuman Royal Family, or possibly Ben "The Thing" Grimm

Positives: An exceptionally good dog for watching after the daugthers of the powerful; has experience working with ruling families; in addition to his great strength, his ability to teleport would be a useful form of transportation for the president; would be the first First Pet with a tuning fork in its head

Negatives: His great size may be problematic, potentially causing damage to the White House; the United States and the Inhumans have had several recent conflicts, and it may be impolitic to invite one of them to live in the White House; drools



Scooby-Doo

Breed: Great Dane

Current owner: Some beatnik

Positives: Master of disguise (for a dog); will do absolutely anything for a scooby snack; can talk (albeit with a speech impediment); friends with ghost-breakers Mystery Inc., who could prove useful in solving the mystery of the White House ghosts

Negatives: Extremely cowardly and somewhat paranoid (Get ready to hear “Sp-Sp-Spirit?!” every time you mention “The spirit of bipartisanship," Mr. President-Elect); needs held a lot; enormous appetite could put an unusual strain on the White House's pet food budget



Dynomutt, Dog Wonder

Breed: Android

Current owner: The Blue Falcon/Radley Crown

Positives: As his dog hair is synthetic, he's hypoallergenic; miraculous system of transistors allows him to telescope his limbs to great lengths and pull a gadget for almost any emergency out of his chest; worked for the first black mayor in a Saturday morning cartoon; former All-Star Laff-a-Lympic athlete; his partner Blue Falcon says he’s “as strong as a train…fearless, scare-less” and “a go-go dog person” (that’s a compliment, right?)

Negatives: An inveterate bumbler; kind of an idiot (for a talking android dog); has an extremely annoying laugh; has amassed a long list of goofy but potentially dangerous villains like Madame Apeface, Queen Hornet, The Red Vulture, The Glob, Fishface, Lowbrow, The Blimp and so on; according to his partner Blue Flacon he has “a so-so brain” and is “a little too careless”



Goofy

Breed: Human canine hybrid

Current owner: The Walt Disney corporation

Positives: Has opposable thumbs and walks bipedally, so he can manipulate most basic tools; can dress, feed and walk himself; can speak (although mostly just says “Gorsh!” and “A-hyuck hyuck”)

Negatives: Severely mentally retarded (or possibly brain-damaged); unsavory associations include a gigantic rodent and a duck with severe anger management issues



Snoopy

Breed: Beagle

Current owner: A depressed, round-headed grade school student

Positives: Good with kids; extremely affectionate toward little girls; quite a dancer; his Easter Beagle schtick would be a hit at White House lawn Easter egg rolls and hunts

Negatives: Prone to hallucination and elaborate delusions, has trouble separating his imagination from reality; ties to MetLife may present conflict of interest when the new president tackles health insurance reform

"The Tornado's Pets"

G'NORT

can't eat chocolate ice cream. Or he'll die!